Mutiny on the Patio

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Yesterday, I went to Super America - the little gas station/corner store, not the SUPER AMERICA of which Bush and Cheney dream. I went to get juice to make cocktails for the children and, when I got there, I realized that I had no cash and would have to use my credit card. I feel guilty whenever I use my credit card for small purchases. I always think the cashiers are going to get in my face about it and then I would have to get all fierce and quietly put away all of my intended purchases and leave the store to go to the bank while sighing heavily. To avoid that scenario, I buy things I don't need. That's right - I pad the sale. I am pretty sure that I am the reason the economy is doing better. So, I went to the store simply to get orange juice but also picked up and considered the following items to jack up the price of my visit: 

  • Half gallon of orange juice
  • Small bottle of natural lemonade
  • Large bottle of a different kind of lemonade
  • Bottle of cranberry apple juice
  • Gardettos
  • Large bag of nacho cheese Doritos
  • Grab Bag of ranch flavored Doritos
  • Grab Bag of Cheetos
  • Two liter of Diet Coke
  • Bugles
  • Large bag of M & M's
  • Tabloid 

I wandered around the store for about 10 minutes picking up and putting back various items as I tried to calculate the perfect balance in the Small Credit Card Purchase/Guilt ratio (SCCP/G Ratio). For those who want to see the ratio operationally defined, I ended up with the following: 

  • Half gallon of orange juice
  • Small bottle of natural lemonade
  • Grab Bag of ranch flavored Doritos
  • Grab Bag of Cheetos

I still thought I might get yelled at but got distracted when some guy cut in front of me in line and I thought I was going to have to put him in a choke hold and by "put him in a choke hold" I mean clear my throat quietly in his direction. Fortunately, the cashier ignored the line jumper and scanned my items first. I was so nervous that my ratio calculations were off, however, that I assured him that I didn't need a bag, grabbed my receipt and ran from the store carrying my items awkwardly in my arms. You probably think the point of all of this is that I am an incredibly awkward person but you are wrong (about the point, not the awkwardness). No, the point is that I don't usually buy Doritos and Cheetos. 

I returned home from my harrowing trip and made cocktails for the kids while Luisa made cocktails for us and then I broke out the high class appetizers that I had just purchased. The kids saw the junky chips, paused in disbelief and then smiled like it was Christmas morning. I was feeling all warm and fuzzy because I had brought them such happiness and then? They descended on the Doritos and Cheetos like hyenas on a dead zebra. Crumbs were flying everywhere and they were snarling at each other. I considered beating them away with a big stick but, instead, I shouted "I will never buy this stuff again if you continue to act CRAZY!" They turned on me, breathing heavily, their glowing orange hands ready to strike and a single word popped into my brain - mutiny. I had Luisa but they had only themselves and Chester Cheetah. The kids are pretty small and Chester seems to be pretty mellow so I thought our odds were good. Now, if they had been eating Fudge Stripe cookies I would have been worried. I don't trust those Keebler Elves. They seem so happy and carefree but I have no doubt that if they heard the mutinous call of disgruntled children, they would come unhinged, break out the pickaxes and kick some ass. We narrowly escaped The Powderhorn Mutiny by grabbing the bag of Cheetos (the Doritos went first in the feeding frenzy) and making a run for it. We then filled the hyenas bellies with grilled salmon and asparagus and everything returned to normal. The moral of this story is that junk food makes kids crazy. Or maybe the moral of the story is that you shouldn't buy things you don't need simply because you are afraid of cashiers. Whatever the moral, I am now creating Product Mascot Grudge Match pairings in my head...

Captain Crunch vs. Count Chocula (The Count would win though they would both be good sports)

Chester Cheetah vs. Tony the Tiger (Tony would win because he would annoy Chester to death)

Jolly Green Giant vs. Mrs. Butterworth (I can't see them fighting but the pairing made me laugh)

The Kool-Aid Pitcher vs. Clifford from Clifford Crunch (A draw...totally)

Snap, Crackle and Pop vs. The Keebler Elves (Mayhem! Tiny elfin bodies everywhere!)

When you find yourself googling mascot images and trying to photoshop them into a battle scene, you know it's time to go to bed. So that's what I am going to do. Good night and don't let the Keebler Elves bite.