Sweet Dreams Are Made of This

Over the weekend, I had a dream that Michael Jackson was dead but, in my dream, he had drowned and authorities suspect foul play. So, it is all over the news that Michael has been murdered and, for reasons that aren't clear until later in my dream, I think I am the primary suspect. Now, let me say right now - I did not kill Michael Jackson. I just think everyone suspects me of killing Michael Jackson. So, I am watching the news and totally freaking out because I know that they are going to name me as a suspect any minute and then I decide to destroy evidence. Evidence of what, I'm not sure but it involves removing my own finger prints from every surface in my own apartment which is, as you might imagine, quite time consuming. So, I search my entire apartment for something to remove my fingerprints and the only thing I can find is fingernail polish remover. I start wiping down every surface in my apartment (including a pair of golf shoes under my bed) and the whole apartment reeks of fingernail polish remover and I start worrying that the police will come and be suspicious of the smell so I panic and call my girlfriend repeatedly, like every 10 minutes for several hours. She never answers or calls me back which only increases my anxiety. Time passes and there is a knock at the door and I assume that the police are finally coming for me but it's my girlfriend arriving home and my girlfriend is...Lindsay Lohan. She walks through the door wearing a blue hoodie and looking very tired and slightly annoyed. I'm like, "I HAVE BEEN CALLING YOU ALL DAY!" and she says, "I know that, Vikki. I'm a little busy what with being Chief of Surgery and all. What's the deal?" And then I tell her that everyone thinks I killed Michael Jackson and she asks, "Why would anyone think that?!" I say, "Well, because I was with him when he drowned." Her eyes get big and I explain that we were swimming in the lake and he went under and I thought he was playing and then he never came back up and I tried to go under to find him but it was night so it was really dark and then she shakes her head and tells me that I should just tell the police what happened. Chief of Surgery Lindsay is so rational! I tell her that I think they might be suspicious of me because I left the lake and went home and never bothered to call for help. She puts her head in her hands and, when I look at her again, she is no longer Dr. Lindsay Lohan - she is Luisa. She tells me to turn myself in and I tell her that I'm going to because I can't handle the stress. Then, she asks me if I'm going to the gym and I say, "Well, if by 'going to the gym', you mean 'going to jail' - then, yeah. I'm going to the gym." I give her a kiss and walk out the door to meet my fate. The moral of this story is clearly that one should never swim in the dark, especially with Michael Jackson. Also, if your girlfriend is a famous actress-doctor, she will not return your calls and you will have to clean your house with fingernail polish remover. Also, don't go to the gym. Take these lessons to heart, my friends.

Speaking of dreams, you all pushed Up Popped a Fox into the finals in the Lezzy Awards! You are the best and I shall reward you by asking you to continue voting for my blog in the Parenting and Personal categories through March 2. By now, you know how this works. You click on the link and vote and then go to your e-mail and click the link to confirm your votes. Votes that are not confirmed do not count and many votes didn't count last year so confirm, confirm, confirm. Need some voting recommendations? The following list includes some of the nominees and the blogs I'll be voting for are marked with asterisks:

Entertainment/Culture

Dorothy Surrenders* Autostraddle Fit for a Femme

This was a tough decision because you know I love me some Autostraddle but I read Dorothy every day too so I gave this one to Dorothy and chose Autostraddle in another category.

Humor

Grace the Spot* Peaches and Coconuts Just Like Jesse James

This was another hard choice because I adore Deb over at Peaches and Coconuts but I am a writer for Grace the Spot and I gotta support the Graces. If Grace the Spot doesn't tickle your funny bone, vote for Peaches and Coconuts!

Parenting

Up Popped A Fox* Lesbian Dad Mombian

Polly at LesbianDad and Dana at Mombian are both incredible bloggers. I'm honored to be in their company. If blogging was like high school, I would totally ask to carry their books and then gaze at them dreamily.

Personal

Up Popped A Fox* Peaches and Coconuts Just Like Jesse James

If anyone is torn on this one (like me), perhaps I can arrange for Deb and I to duel by pun at high noon.

New Lesbian Blog

Autostraddle* How To Be Butch What Would Sappho Say

Autostraddle all the way. I've been reading that site from the beginning and it has been such a pleasure to watch it grow and evolve. Seriously, you should be reading it every day.

There are several other categories and so many blogs nominated that I've never read (which I will correct ASAP). So, read and vote and celebrate lesbian bloggers!

Boys and Girls and Fashion

Sometimes, when we are driving somewhere, the kids like to discuss whose backpack is a smidge over the center line of the back seat. Sometimes, we ponder the Great Questions like, "If you could never sit or lie down, would you die?" And sometimes, we talk about girls and boys and crushes which are a pox upon the lives of elementary school kids. A few days ago, the pox issue came up when Miguel relayed that the worst part of his day was that someone started a rumor that he liked Anna*. Anna of all people! Smart, funny, sassy, cute, spunky Anna - the horror! One person told another and then someone asked him and he denied it but that person went ahead and told other people that it was true and before long Miguel and Anna were on the cover of Elementary Us Magazine with the caption: Is it love? Insiders say "yes"! My conversation with Miguel went something like this: Me (in calm parental mode): What's the big deal? You know the truth and that's all that matters.

Miguel (in hysterical 8 year old boy mode): But mom! What if the rumor spreads to another classroom and another and then everyone will think that I like Anna!

Me: Do you like Anna?

Miguel: Mom! NO, I don't like Anna.

Me: Last year I thought you kind of liked her.

Miguel: Last year, everyone put us together because they thought we were both funny. This year, she irritates me.

Me: This will pass. Do you have crushes on any girls or boys?

Miguel: I think I have a little bit of a crush on Sandra*.

Zeca: I thought maybe you had a crush on Bob*?

Miguel: No, we're just friends.

Me: People will forget about the Anna thing if you just act casual about it.

Then, there was a rare moment of silence and he came back with this...

Miguel: You know what's interesting mom? When you are a young kid, people think it's weird when you kiss a person who is a different gender than you and don't think anything about you kissing a person of the same gender. Like, if you're a boy and you hug a girl it's weird but it's fine to hug other boys. But when you are older, it's the opposite -  people think it's okay to hug people of a different gender but think it's weird if you hug and kiss someone who is the same gender as you are. That doesn't make sense.

...and then my heart burst into a million rainbows and a unicorn appeared in the street and we all rode towards a brighter tomorrow powered by love! Okay...there was no unicorn but my heart was full of love for my goofball of a kid because he is thinking about these things and taking note.

*Names changed to protect the innocent.

Speaking of gender and fashion...well, I guess we were speaking of gender more than fashion but aren't the two forever entwined? We haven't had a Fashion Friday in awhile so today we will take a look at some wizard fashion. Remember when I said I played Wizard101 with Miguel's character? Yeah, I have my own now and, yes, I still play as a guy. Here's a pic of me, Valkoor Winterhaven, with my best buddy, Fiona Ironsword. We'll see if Fiona outs herself in the comments.

Valkoor and Fiona have almost completed the game and are sporting grandmaster gear. Valkoor's ensemble is actually blue and Fiona is decked out in head to toe pink but the colors are off because the tower we were in was on fire. Please note our lovely pets - Lord Lily the colossus and Madame Lola the hydra. Don't we make a formidable pair?

Have a great weekend and may your clothing be lighter than chain mail!

P.S. Don't forget to make me a top Lezzy! Click here to nominate.

Stuff I Learned Over the Weekend

I've started a fire in the virtual fireplace here at Up Popped A Fox so grab a warm beverage (non-alcoholic, of course - it is morning after all) and let me share with you some recent discoveries. There are places in the world that are not giant blocks of ice!

This past weekend, my family travelled to a distant world called "Kansas City" and bore witness to something life-changing: bare ground. This magical place was not covered in snow and there was grass as far as the eye could see and, though the grass was dead, I did kneel upon the land and wet it with joyful tears as my faith in the changing of the seasons was restored.

The Peeps have returned!

In our pilgrimage back to our barren homeland, we stopped to refuel our vehicle and administer snacks to our young travel companions and I ventured into a store wherein I saw the most renowned sign of Spring: The Peep. Yes, the Peeps have returned from their seasonal foray into the south! There were Peeps of every color and these:

Those are brand new Peeps and they come in dark and milk chocolate. Are you excited?! Videotaped taste-testing will take place when Peep Week 2010 rolls around.

There are a million things that are a pain in the ass!

We stopped at a fast food restaurant that shall not be named and, as I was gliding regally through the parking lot towards the door, a giant chasm opened in the asphalt and nearly swallowed me whole. Because I am as graceful as a swan and as quick as a jackrabbit, I did not fall but pulled something in my tailbone region. Yay! More shooting ass pain! I will be adding this to my forthcoming book - "The Enigmatic Tailbone: 1001 Obscure Daily Uses of Your Butt Nubbin".

After the apocalypse, the Blackberry shall be a beacon!

As we drove home through Iowa, road conditions were very dangerous. Visibility was low because it was dark and high winds were blowing snow in every direction. We saw at least 25 abandoned cars, some of them overturned, in ditches.  It was eery, like driving through the country after the apocalypse. Luisa did an amazing job of keeping the car on the road and I did an amazing job of eating Jelly Bellys* by the light of my Blackberry. I would also like to take this opportunity to thank a couple of  Twitter friends for distracting me from my imminent death (by car wreck and/or popcorn flavored Jelly Belly) and helping me focus, instead, on Olympic figure-skating and the associated gaudy costumes. Thanks @virgotex and @grumpyyetamusin!

*Yes, I still struggle with the plural of the jelly beans manufactured and trademarked by the Jelly Belly company.

The Lezzy Awards are open once again!

Last year, I saw myself as the bride's drunk cousin in the Lezzy Awards but this year I want to win. There, I said it. Yes, I'm shamelessly promoting myself and I am surprisingly okay with this. I just want to get my hands on a Lezzy...well...a Lezzy other than Luisa. So, I am going to annoy you once again and ask you to nominate this little ol' blog for Best Parenting Blog or Best Personal Blog or both, if like me, you can't decide. I've never really won anything except that ribbon for third place in mosaics at the National Latin Convention and that cannot be my legacy. It cannot! Here are the instructions from The Lesbian Lifestyle site:

The 2009 Lezzy Awards are HERE!!! Nominate your favorite lesbian authored blogs in 11 different categories. Nominations run from Monday February 15th to 12:00 am Monday February 22nd. You are allowed 1 nomination in each category every 24 hours. Make sure to click the link in the nomination email you will receive in order for your nominations to count.

NOMINATE NOMINATE NOMINATE!

That's right - click on the link above and nominate. You can nominate blogs every 24 hours and I hope that you do. The blogs with the most nominations move on to the finals. While you're over there, throw some support behind these blogs as well:

Best Entertainment/Culture Blog:  Autostraddle (www.autostraddle.com)

Best Humor Blog: Grace the Spot (www.gracethespot.com)

And, if you think I suck and don't want to nominate me in Best Personal Blog, show Peaches and Coconuts (www.peachesandcoconuts) some love. We "met" through the Lezzy Awards last year and she is good people.

Now, I have to get back to work...or at least look busy.