Batty for Fashion Friday

Last night, I had a dream that I went to visit a lab. In it, there was a large room full of bats. Many bats.  The room was set to a cold temperature to simulate winter and the bats were hibernating. I sat outside the room watching them through a big picture window as they had their batty little naps. Then, I had to go do some Very Important Things...like wander around outside looking for a gas station (even though I didn't have a car). Some time passed and I realized that I had to return to the bat room to retrieve something from inside the room. I went back to find that the thermostat had been changed and the room had warmed, so, the bats were all waking up. You know what this means? It means I had to go into the room with a kabillion refreshed bats. The bat room was dark and I sat outside considering my options. Should I turn on the light before going into the room so that I could see the item to be retrieved and see the bats coming at me or should I leave at dark so that the bats were more at ease and less likely to flap around in a light-induced haze? I didn't want to be bitten because of The Rabies. It's quite the dilemma, isn't it? What would you do? You have to go in so do you go in with the light on or off? I'll wait to tell you what I did. We haven't had a Fashion Friday in awhile but I can guarantee that we will have one every Friday in November. So, today, we have a picture of Lula's daughter sent all the way from Belgium! 

I have not an ounce of snark in me on this one. She's put together quite an outfit of pinks and purples. Did you see those tricked out shoes? They really tie it all together. You know what the best part of the picture is, though? The attitude. Absolutely.

I was going to wish you all a happy weekend but then remembered that I'll be writing on the weekend too. So, good night and may your dreams be full of sparkly shoes and free from bats.

Homeopathy According to Vikki

I solve other people’s problems for a living which makes me qualified to solve just about any problem out there, including health problems. The trouble is that I can’t write prescriptions. Not that I couldn’t create a realistic prescription pad in Microsoft Word – I could. It’s just that I am not cut out for life in prison. I can’t make a shiv or a shank or any of those handy little weapons. Also, I don’t think they have WiFi in prison cells. Damn concrete and steel. Anyway, a problem-solver/healer can’t be stopped by something as inconsequential as the lack of a prescription pad.  I was thinking about this today because I have a horrible headache. Unfortunately, lying down at work or going home is not an option. So, I had to turn to my homeopathic bag of tricks. When faced with a headache, I first rule out caffeine withdrawal. Then, I eliminate hunger as a possible cause. Lastly, I explore the possibility of low blood sugar (no, I don’t have problems with my blood sugar but problem-solvers don’t put limits on their solutions). So, I have applied the following remedies so far: 

1. Diet Coke (caffeine)
2. Lunch (protein)
3. Cheez-its (salt)
4. Reese’s Fast Break (sugar) 

I still have the headache. I’m also nauseous but I think I know what caused that (see above). Now, I am going to try Advil and water. Damn The West and its fancy remedies. 

This is not the first time I have dabbled in homeopathic medicine. While in New Hampshire, Dr. Ding and I applied Diet Coke/Diet Pepsi and Cheetos liberally to cure hangovers.  Laughmom has also extolled the medicinal properties of Cheetos recently, though she paired hers with Sunkist pineapple soda. 

So, I am writing the following prescriptions for y’all. Print this out and use PRN (that’s what we medical professionals write when we mean as needed). 

Headache

Apply the following in order: caffeine, protein, salt and/or fat and then sugar. If the headache is clearly related to alcohol consumption, please see below. 

Hangover

Drink ½ can of caffeinated pop of choice (with the exception of Mountain Dew which is contraindicated) and then take large dose of Cheetos. This should cure you…unless you’re a lush. 

Upset stomach

Eat 1 bowl of cereal*. Do not go to bed immediately after taking the cereal. Doing so might lead to reflux and you don’t want to know the cure for that because it involves a lot of milk and cheese**.

 *Note: Do not eat sugared cereal. Geez people! This is serious business. **What? You’re lactose intolerant? I can fix that but I’ll need to know how you feel about prunes and soy pudding. Not together! See…this is why I am the professional.

Cramps

Lie on the couch with an Us Magazine and drink 1 glass of red wine. If symptoms persist, take 1 dose of high quality dark chocolate. Repeat as needed but trashy periodicals/wine/dark chocolate should not be taken more than 4 times in a 24 hour period. Period. Ha. 

Feel free to leave a comment with what ails ya and I’ll write a prescription tailored just for you! I'm a problem-solver a giver.

The Great Divide

Last night, Maine voters decided to take away the rights of same-sex couples to get married. I'm not outraged. I am simply tired and resigned. Marriage is complicated issue, even in the LGBT community, but I'm sure we can all agree that civil rights should not be put up for popular vote. People in this country are frightened of difference, of losing their place, of losing their privilege. This country is built on individualism, not on a commitment to the common good.  In the shower this morning, I thought about the words inscribed on the Statue of Liberty.

Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. The wretched refuse of you teamming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"  - The New Collossus, Emma Lazarus

The United States has become like a used car salesman, the master of the bait and switch. This country promises so much but continues to fail to deliver anything of substance to those who are disenfranchised. Perhaps the words on the Statue of Liberty should be ammended to say:

Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. The wretched refuse of you teamming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me. Perhaps these words will keep them warm at night, provide healthcare and create an illusion of justice. - The New Realist, Vikki Reich

What will it take for people to begin to show generosity of spirit? Can the divisions of this country be overcome? I don't know. Today, I am for seccession. Let the left and right agree to disagree, divide the country in half and be done with it. I nominate Zeca as the leader of Lefty Land and she will make sure that everyone has basic civil rights and healthcare. Sure, there might be some funky laws that require mismatched clothing but I think that we can all live with that. It's a much smaller price than we are paying now.