Homeopathy According to Vikki

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MedicineI solve other people’s problems for a living which makes me qualified to solve just about any problem out there, including health problems. The trouble is that I can’t write prescriptions. Not that I couldn’t create a realistic prescription pad in Microsoft Word – I could. It’s just that I am not cut out for life in prison. I can’t make a shiv or a shank or any of those handy little weapons. Also, I don’t think they have WiFi in prison cells. Damn concrete and steel. Anyway, a problem-solver/healer can’t be stopped by something as inconsequential as the lack of a prescription pad.  I was thinking about this today because I have a horrible headache. Unfortunately, lying down at work or going home is not an option. So, I had to turn to my homeopathic bag of tricks. When faced with a headache, I first rule out caffeine withdrawal. Then, I eliminate hunger as a possible cause. Lastly, I explore the possibility of low blood sugar (no, I don’t have problems with my blood sugar but problem-solvers don’t put limits on their solutions). So, I have applied the following remedies so far: 

  1. Diet Coke (caffeine)
  2. Lunch (protein)
  3. Cheez-its (salt)
  4. Reese’s Fast Break (sugar) 

I still have the headache. I’m also nauseous but I think I know what caused that (see above). Now, I am going to try Advil and water. Damn The West and its fancy remedies. 

This is not the first time I have dabbled in homeopathic medicine. While in New Hampshire, Dr. Ding and I applied Diet Coke/Diet Pepsi and Cheetos liberally to cure hangovers.  Laughmom has also extolled the medicinal properties of Cheetos recently, though she paired hers with Sunkist pineapple soda. 

So, I am writing the following prescriptions for y’all. Print this out and use PRN (that’s what we medical professionals write when we mean as needed). 

Headache

Apply the following in order: caffeine, protein, salt and/or fat and then sugar. If the headache is clearly related to alcohol consumption, please see below. 

Hangover

Drink ½ can of caffeinated pop of choice (with the exception of Mountain Dew which is contraindicated) and then take large dose of Cheetos. This should cure you…unless you’re a lush. 

Upset stomach

Eat 1 bowl of cereal*. Do not go to bed immediately after taking the cereal. Doing so might lead to reflux and you don’t want to know the cure for that because it involves a lot of milk and cheese**.

 *Note: Do not eat sugared cereal. Geez people! This is serious business. **What? You’re lactose intolerant? I can fix that but I’ll need to know how you feel about prunes and soy pudding. Not together! See…this is why I am the professional.

 

Cramps

Lie on the couch with an Us Magazine and drink 1 glass of red wine. If symptoms persist, take 1 dose of high quality dark chocolate. Repeat as needed but trashy periodicals/wine/dark chocolate should not be taken more than 4 times in a 24 hour period. Period. Ha. 

Feel free to leave a comment with what ails ya and I’ll write a prescription tailored just for you! I'm a problem-solver a giver.