If the Circle Fits...

I recently got a new green iPhone which says, "I'm fun!" and "I don't take myself too seriously!" and "I don't see well in the dark but still need to find my phone!" My phone arrived and I set it up and then realized I needed a new case. I had an OtterBox case for my old phone because I am a dropper. I was in denial about this fact for many years but I have had to come to terms with a few things like the fact that I cannot seem to cut tags off pillows or stuffed animals without those items requiring repair and I spill things more than the average person and I drop my phone. For several days, I flitted through life with my phone unprotected but I was nervous and kept wondering when (not if) I would drop my beautiful new phone. I shopped for a case online but I wanted one that would show off the color and protect it when I accidentally dropped it on the ice/street/hardwood floor/tile/my face. I eventually decided that I had to go to an actual store in the real world and look at my options because this decision was too important to be left to the uncertainty of online shopping. I wouldn't buy a bra online and a case is kinda like a bra for your phone. Kinda.

So, I went out into the world and ended up getting an OtterBox case in black…just like the old one. I was disappointed because it covered up all the pretty green but, in the end, I chose safety over style. As soon as I got home, I ripped open the packaging and put my phone in it's new case. I flipped it over to see the little green and black Apple showing through the circle in the back and was horrified by what I saw...

The Apple logo was not centered in the circle.

I gasped and then figured I had just put the phone in the case incorrectly. I am going to tell you what you already know - there is only one way to put a phone in a case. This was not user error. I then did what I always do when things go terribly wrong - I went to Luisa.

Vikki (holding phone to Luisa's face): LOOK AT THIS.

Luisa (backing away): What?

Vikki: The logo is not centered!

Luisa: Huh. Weird.

Vikki: I cannot live like this.

Luisa: I think you can.

And I tried. I tried for an entire week and then a friend asked me to go to the Apple store with her. While she dealt with a hardware issue with her phone, I looked at the wall of iPhone cases and then found one that I liked - a clear case with orange bumpers - the perfect choice for the stylish phone dropper in your life.

I texted Luisa and said I found a better case and she told me to get it and return the OtterBox and I said I wasn't sure I could return the Otter Box. I was sad! I was filled with regret! She said, "If you want a different one just get it."

So I did.

Today, Luisa and I went to Best Buy to return the first case and I approached customer service and told the guy I wanted to return it.

Customer Service Guy: What is the reason for the return?

Vikki: Well, it's complicated.

Luisa laughs out loud

Customer Service Guy: Okay...

Vikki: You see, the Apple logo was not centered in the circle on the back of the case.

Luisa laughs harder

Customer Service Guy joins Luisa in laughter

Whatever. I don't care. I have a brand new green phone in a funky clear case with orange accents and everything is aligned and centered and protected and all is right with the world.

Mom vs. Minecraft

My kids started playing Minecraft about a week ago and, last night, one of those children came downstairs crying because "I spent an hour digging in the earth and I found all these rare gems and one item I'd never even seen before that is obviously very special and rare and then I died and lost everything!" This child said, "I know it's just a game but it's so frustrating." I patted and soothed and then reached out on Facebook to see if this was a normal reaction to Minecraft and all the moms chimed in and said that - yes - Minecraft ends in tears for most children.

I decided that I would play so that I could better understand what was happening to my kids. I downloaded the pocket version and selected "Survival" and then let the game create "My World."

I asked the kids for some advice as I wandered the grassland, running into trees because I couldn't seem to walk properly. Every time I tried to turn, I scuttled sideways like a crab. The kids said, "Mom, you have to chop wood first." I managed to walk up to a tree and chop. I chopped and chopped like a crazy woman. I was a genius at chopping wood! Miguel was like, "Stop chopping wood, Mom! You've spent too much time on that!" Zeca yelled, "They'll be coming for you soon!" I chopped some more and Miguel said, "MOM! You have to build a house before dark or they'll kill you!" He coached me through making a crafting table and I was so good at making crafting tables that I made 7! "NO, MOM! You're wasting your wood! You need to make planks for the house!" Then, I made planks and then there was movement in the distance and Miguel grabbed my phone and built me a quick little house. Zeca said, "Stay in there until daylight. Don't go outside."

At that point, I had a sword and a pickaxe and a bunch of extra wood. I felt pretty good so, when my kids wandered off to watch the Olympics, I went outside. In the dark.

That's when I saw the chicken and, suddenly, I understood Red from Orange Is The New Black.

I wanted that chicken.

I yelled, "I found a chicken!" Both kids came running and Miguel said, "Ok, kill the chicken and then get back in the house!" I ran after the chicken and tapped it and tapped it again and I killed it! I had killed my own food! And right then, in my moment of victory, something weird came out of nowhere and starting beating the hell out of me.

Miguel patted me on the back and said, "Respawn. You'll start again but you've lost everything."

"What do you mean everything? I just killed a chicken. I should have a chicken!"

"No, mom. You lose everything when you die - all your tools, weapons, wood. Your chicken is gone."

The game really is quite unfair but I was determined so I respawned but I was in a totally new place. I had no idea where I was so I didn't have my house. I said, "Where's my house?!" Miguel patted me again and said, "Who knows? Just build a new one."

Dejectedly, I wandered and cut wood and then it started getting dark and I panicked - panicked like this was real life! Being outside in the dark before had led to the chicken fiasco and death so I ran. I didn't know where I was running but I ran as fast as my pixellated feet would carry me and then I saw a giant black spider with red eyes and a weird green thing and I knew nothing good was going to come of those so I just kept running and they chased me and then - I saw my house! I cannot even tell you the relief I felt…until I couldn't get through my door because I still wasn't good at walking through small places. While I bumped into the wall repeatedly, something kept shooting me in the back and, by the time I got in the house and shut the door, I had only three little hearts left.

I asked the kids how to get my hearts back and they told me to eat or sleep so I needed to kill a chicken, pig or cow and I needed to kill three sheep for a bed.

"Can I just leave the door open and hope an animal wanders in and I can kill it because going outside hasn't worked well for me?"

Zeca said, "Yeah but that's probably never going to happen. You would have to herd them into your house. You still have to go outside."

I waited for daylight and then I went out and I found a sheep and killed it but I am obviously a slow hunter because it started to get dark again so I started running home and, when I got there, Zeca said, "Mom! You left the door to your house open! You have to close the door always! Creepers will get in!"

But the house was empty and the pixellated version of me is hiding in there still.

Should I keep playing?

Interpreter of Emojis

These are complex times, my friends. We are using Twitter and Facebook and texts to talk to our friends and family but there are limitations to these mediums. We can become confused or misunderstand each other because such quick communication strips conversations of their tone. There is no way to change fonts and the rise of the use of emojis further complicates things. For those who don't know, emojis are little images that people can attach to their messages to add flair or communicate a deeper meaning. In that way, emojis are a language all their own but many people may need the services of an interpreter to decipher these more complicated missives.

Fear not. I am here to help you. By reading my book,  Interpreter of Emojis by Vikki Reich, you will received practical interpretation of common situations and their accompanying emoticons. Below, you'll find just a few helpful examples from the book:

I am the emoji master and I hope you enjoyed this sample. Google Translate's got nothing on me :P