Minnesota Winter Requirements

Have you met Gay Emo Elf? He is my winter holiday alter ego and today he was trapped in a snow globe. I too feel like I am trapped in a snow globe except I have to drive around in it and the tires spin and the ice freezes on the windshield even though the defroster is on the RED HOT LAVA setting which makes me sweat even though my nose is like a nose-shaped ice cube and I haven't had feeling in my toes in over a week.

This morning on the way to school, Miguel said, "This has been the most miserable winter ever." I had to break the news to him that we only had our first snow a couple of weeks ago and we won't have a reprieve until May.

Winter makes me a Snow Globe Half Empty kinda gal.

I'm sure that people wonder why anyone lives in Minnesota at all. One day last Fall, I remember thinking, "The weather today is perfect and this why I live here." It's completely normal to like the weather in your chosen state one day out of the year, right?

You do have to be tough to live in Minnesota. In fact, in order to gain residency, you have to agree to the following:

1. I am of sound body (sound mind not required) so that I can shovel snow at all times of day and night.

2. I am part gazelle on my father's side and can remain upright on ice. If I fall, I am graceful enough to jump right back up before anyone sees me.

3. I can crab walk on an inclined surface which is essential should I need to shovel snow from my roof to prevent ice dams.

4. I can swallow three pills at one time and agree to take my Vitamin D every single day to combat the effects of sun deprivation.

5. I can operate a motor vehicle safely even when the rear window, the passenger window and both side mirrors are covered in snow and there is only a 5 x 6 inch area thawed on the front windshield.

6. I do not need to feel my fingers and toes 365 days per year.

Then, after we have signed in frozen blood, we must raise our mittened hand and recite the following:

I solemnly swear to complain about the weather from November 1 through April 30th in order to maintain the illusion that it takes a special person to live in such a harsh environment. I also promise to malign those who have chosen to live in warmer climates and passive aggressively imply that they are weak.

Living in Minnesota is no joke.

A Series of Unfortunate Mistakes

This is my typical face during the winter. So, why do I live in Minnesota? I have no idea.

Yesterday, we had our first snow of the season and it made me really crabby even though I know that snow happens a lot here.

But, I made several rookie mistakes yesterday in dealing with this first snow and I will share them with you now in no particular order...

1. I decided to wait until it stopped snowing to do anything about the sidewalks and driveway. This meant that people walked on the snow all day and packed it down to the point that I needed a jackhammer to remove it. I don't own a jackhammer. I do, however, own a snowblower.

2. I didn't listen to Luisa when she gave me instructions about the snowblower before she left for South Africa. I heard "oil is on the stairs" and "mix it with gas" and "can in garage" and "you look really hot right now, babe." No, she didn't really say that last one because she was lecturing me about mixing oil and gas. Last night, when I decided to use the snowblower, I did not understand how to mix the oil and gas so I had to shovel by hand.

3. Since I waited until the snow stopped, I did not go out to shovel until 8:30. It is pitch black at 8:30.

4. I went out to the garage to get the shovels when is was pitch black and I couldn't read the combination lock on the garage because I left my glasses in the house and didn't bring a flashlight and am not a opossum. Opossums have amazing night vision. So, I had to trudge back into the house, scream for Miguel to come and bring me a headlamp.

5. I overdressed in a long-sleeved shirt, fleece jacket, down jacket, fleece neck warmer, wool hat and gloves. After 3 minutes of shoveling snow, I was stripping like some sort of lady lumberjack pole dancer except less sexy because I actually got my neck warmer stuck over my face when trying to remove it by pulling it over my big wool hat. Me and and a scrap of fleece in a death match on an inner city sidewalk - you should have been there.

6. I moved to Minnesota in 1993.

On the upside, with that first snow out of the way, there are only 90 more snowstorms left until Spring. Or more. Could be more.

At least I'll be more prepared next time because I'm going to listen to Luisa about that oil mixing business.

7 Causes for Worry in A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving

Last night, our family settled onto the couch to watch A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving as we do every year. It's a tradition that I keep thinking the kids will outgrow, though I haven't outgrown it yet.

We all got some movie candy and sat down and watched everyone walk all over Charlie Brown and then watched Snoopy make a terrible Thanksgiving dinner. We laughed and pointed out things that made no sense and enjoyed ourselves thoroughly.

Mostly.

There were some things I noticed in this viewing that were cause for concern and I thought I'd share them all with you so that you too could worry about the health and well-being of the Peanuts gang.

1. Linus has pronounced bumps on his head. No other character has these so I am worried that someone jumped him in the pumpkin patch when he was waiting for the Great Pumpkin and now his brain is swelling and no one is taking him to the neurologist to have this checked out!

2. Peppermint Patty really shouldn't be wearing sandals in late November. We know it snows wherever they live (Exhibit A: A Charlie Brown Christmas) so it must also be cold at Thanksgiving. I worry she'll get frost bite and both feet will have to be amputated which will impact her chances of getting a softball scholarship to some all girls college.

3. We never once see a parent - not while Snoopy and the gang are making all that toast and popcorn, not when they are removing everything from the garage, not even when all the guests show up. It also seems that the parents should have spoken with grandma about being late, not Charlie Brown. Charlie Brown wasn't late all on his own! He needed a ride, yo.

4. Woodstock eats turkey. Woodstock is a bird. A bird eats another bird. So, I'm concerned that Woodstock might be an albino crow or the world's most adorable vulture. Is there a Duty to Warn in regard to bird on bird violence?

5. I'm thinking Snoopy is a hoarder and has a clutter house. He's got a table and chairs in there and a table saw and a fully cooked turkey (which may have been left out and could be carrying a foodborne illness) and costumes and a million other things. Who will intervene? Who will save Snoopy from himself?

6. Woodstock puts Snoopy's ear in the toaster and burns it and then puts butter on it. This is an inappropriate approach to treating a burn. I worry that Snoopy's ear will be permanently disfigured  which will make him much less attractive to the Peanuts gang and also affect his modeling/merchandising career.

7. Lastly, the children pile into the back of the station wagon without seat belts which I know was the practice in the 1970's. However, we never see who's driving the car. It could be the Grim Reaper or Lucy - neither of which should be responsible for a group of children.

So, maybe today, we should all just be thankful that we are not Peanuts characters because our chances of survival without some type of disfiguring injury seem much lower!

Give thanks that you will get to keep your ears and both your feet!

Happy Thanksgiving to all and buckle your seat belts and don't sleep with a table saw near your head and don't be a cannibal!

PHOTO CREDIT: WIKIPEDIA