Minnesota Winter Requirements

Have you met Gay Emo Elf? He is my winter holiday alter ego and today he was trapped in a snow globe. I too feel like I am trapped in a snow globe except I have to drive around in it and the tires spin and the ice freezes on the windshield even though the defroster is on the RED HOT LAVA setting which makes me sweat even though my nose is like a nose-shaped ice cube and I haven't had feeling in my toes in over a week.

This morning on the way to school, Miguel said, "This has been the most miserable winter ever." I had to break the news to him that we only had our first snow a couple of weeks ago and we won't have a reprieve until May.

Winter makes me a Snow Globe Half Empty kinda gal.

I'm sure that people wonder why anyone lives in Minnesota at all. One day last Fall, I remember thinking, "The weather today is perfect and this why I live here." It's completely normal to like the weather in your chosen state one day out of the year, right?

You do have to be tough to live in Minnesota. In fact, in order to gain residency, you have to agree to the following:

1. I am of sound body (sound mind not required) so that I can shovel snow at all times of day and night.

2. I am part gazelle on my father's side and can remain upright on ice. If I fall, I am graceful enough to jump right back up before anyone sees me.

3. I can crab walk on an inclined surface which is essential should I need to shovel snow from my roof to prevent ice dams.

4. I can swallow three pills at one time and agree to take my Vitamin D every single day to combat the effects of sun deprivation.

5. I can operate a motor vehicle safely even when the rear window, the passenger window and both side mirrors are covered in snow and there is only a 5 x 6 inch area thawed on the front windshield.

6. I do not need to feel my fingers and toes 365 days per year.

Then, after we have signed in frozen blood, we must raise our mittened hand and recite the following:

I solemnly swear to complain about the weather from November 1 through April 30th in order to maintain the illusion that it takes a special person to live in such a harsh environment. I also promise to malign those who have chosen to live in warmer climates and passive aggressively imply that they are weak.

Living in Minnesota is no joke.