Kids Are Funny - Part 1

Yesterday, I was working on an essay for my collection and I wanted to use a quote from my kids. I only remembered it vaguely but knew that I had tweeted it sometime in the past four years. So, I downloaded my twitter archive and searched through 58,551 tweets to see if I could find it. I did find it and also found many more kids' quotes, many of them long forgotten. It was like a glimpse into the past and I am so glad that I have consistently tweeted the funny things they say. It also gave me a clear picture of these kids we are raising and it is possible that we are raising a real life Calvin (impulsive and charming) and Susie Derkins (sometimes sweet and sometimes petulant).

Some of them are too good to ignore so I have decided to share some of the best ones here. I have edited out unnecessary commentary because I am the boss of this blog!

Today, enjoy a few quotes from 2009 and 2010 when Miguel was 8/9 and Zeca was 4/5.

My son just put a naked doll, legs splayed, next to the laptop. Me: I don't want to see a naked doll now. Son(indignantly): Mom...It's art. (2009)

Me: I don't think we should do a peep centerpiece this year. My 7 yo: Have you gone mad?! (2009)

My daughter is singing, "I can fly, I can fly, like a mermaid in the sky".(2009)

Miguel just asked me to open a pack of gum and I said, "How will you ever survive as an adult?!" And he squealed "I know! See what I mean?!" (2010)

Me to Miguel: "Are you at peace with your soccer team?" Miguel: "Well, you're not really at peace until you're dead." (2010)

I. Wish.  you. A. Vare. Good. LiF.    From. ZEca (2010)

Zeca: "Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun please go down on me." Um, no dear. I know that's not how the song goes. (2010)

Zeca said, "Nature made eggs very strong." Now, I am cleaning egg yolk off the kitchen floor and washing it out of her hair. (2010)

Zeca: "Velma is the bravest of all of them but I don't like her best. I like Daphne best." (2010)

Zeca: "You should have two girlfriends because that would be funner." (2010)

Zeca said, "Next year, I'd like my birthday cake to have the flag of French Guyana on it." (2010)

Zeca: "They should make butt bras to keep butt cheeks from jiggling." (2010)

Me (in regard to the 4th of July): "From which country did the United States gain independence?" Zeca: "St. Paul!" (2010)

Zeca in regard to spiders: "I love nature. I just don't love nature in my room." (2010)

Zeca just said, "I can't say 'buoy' very well so I'm just gonna call them boobies. Plus, they kinda look like boobies so it makes sense." (2010)

Froyo

I had a story about Miguel to go with this picture but I forgot it because that's how it goes these days. I didn't write it down and then I forgot because I'm tired and all I could do was dream about a world in which I could sit on the couch drinking a latte without feeling like I should be engaging my children.

I can tell you the story was funny and the wit was all him. It had something to do with a late movie and bedtime and he was hilarious and I loved him more than usual in that moment.

Of course, this picture was taken just about a half hour before the funny story I can't remember and he was funny then too. We were shopping for the last few things he needs for his junior high trip and he needed sunglasses and we were at Target and he had to try on all the sunglasses and I was all "OH MY GOD CAN YOU PLEASE PICK A PAIR SO I DON'T DIE HERE" and he was all "OH MY GOD I LOOK AWESOME IN ALL OF THEM AND I HAVE A MILLION LITTLE JOKES TO MAKE WHILE LOOKING AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR!"

So we went spent a bunch of minutes (my brain is currently incapable of specifics) in the sunglass aisle and then he put on this pair with bling and put on a bunch of chains and said, "Mom! Take my picture! I'm making fun of the Biebs." I took his picture obviously even though two other women in the sunglass section were staring at us like we were crazy and I wanted to say, "Maybe we are crazy but he's kinda funny so you should respect, yo." But I would never say anything to anyone who was judging me. Well, I would if they said something mean to one of my kids but hopefully, if I did speak up, I wouldn't finish the sentence with "yo." Unless maybe I said "Froyo" but why would I say that to someone who was being mean to one of my kids.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Target.

So, he finally picked out a pair of red and black sunglasses that are mirrored and look absolutely ridiculous and then we had to get a swimshirt and he was outraged because he doesn't want to wear a swimshirt when he goes to the Gulf of Mexico and I was all, "WHY?" and he was all, "Mom, have you seen these abs? Why would I hide them?" and I said, "Sunburn" and he said, "Fine. Buy the shirt and if I burn, I'll cover these up but I won't if I don't have to." And I laughed and wondered how I ended up with a kid who is a total jock and has great abs when I couldn't even do the flexed arm hang in elementary school.

We got the swim shirt and then we got a few other things and then we had to get snacks for the trip and he wanted weird things to hide in his back pack like freeze dried strawberries and beef jerky and I said, "But we're supposed to buy snacks to share with everyone and you're not supposed to hoard your own snacks in your backpack!" and he said "Mom, don't worry. You shouldn't have to buy snacks for everyone - what if snacks you bought ended up going to one of my arch enemies?" and I said "You shouldn't have arch enemies! Where is your generosity of spirit?!" and then the old woman in the dried fruit aisle laughed hysterically at us and then went to buy cheese balls.

We compromised and bought secret snacks and snacks for everyone.

Then, we got coffee and listened to K'Naan on the way home and that's when World War Z came up and we had the hilarious conversation that I can't remember but I know you would have loved it.

Well, this post didn't go as expected. Maybe we were all better off when I the blog lay dormant.

Over The River

I woke up with a horrible headache. It was the kind of headache I imagine you would have if you woke up in a Vegas hotel wearing only rainbow striped socks and a live chinchilla as a stole. For the record, I woke up fully clothed and secure in the knowledge that I hadn't had a drop to drink the night before but that was little consolation as I crawled out of bed, keeping one eye closed as if seeing only half the world would make half as painful. I dragged myself into the kitchen and considered making coffee but remembered that I had run out of half and half on Monday and that's when I figured out the source of my pain.

I hadn't had coffee since Monday.

With one eye closed and my head held perfectly still so that my brain didn't feel as if it might slide out of my ear, I got Zeca up, sent her to her guitar lesson, showered, made Zeca breakfast and then headed out to run errands.

I needed to go to Barnes and Noble to get comic books to send to Miguel at camp so I figured I would grab a latte from Starbucks then grab the comic books and then stop at the store for half and half.

I got into the car, put on my sunglasses and opened both eyes and drove.

My mind wandered as I headed down Hiawatha and towards the river. I thought about our upcoming wedding and I thought about who I would invite and I thought about the fact that some of the people who witnessed our vows in 2000 would not be there this time around. I contemplated how the years change us and our relationships.  I imagined exchanging vows with Luisa and got a little teary.  I was full of emotion so, when I stopped at 46th and Hiawatha, I felt compelled to give the homeless man standing there the last of my cash.

I continued pondering friendship and love and promises and change as I crossed over the river and into St. Paul. There is a speed limit sign on the bridge and noticed that it said 30 MPH and also noticed I was going 46 so I immediately slowed down. As I came off the bridge, however, I saw a police officer jump on his motorcycle and I knew he was coming for me.

I immediately pulled over and removed my sunglasses and tried to keep both eyes open when he approached the car. He looked like he was about 12. I was definitely old enough to be his mother, so, shameless flirting was out of the question. I went for apologetic charm.

Officer: Good morning, m'am. Do you know that you were speeding?

Me: Yes, I noticed the posted speed limit and how fast I was going and immediately slowed down.

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: Yes, I was going 46.

Officer: Um, well, I clocked you going 40.

That's me - honest to a fault.

He took my driver's license and insurance information and went back to his motorcycle to do his secret police things and I will admit I was mad at myself and a little anxious and then I remembered something - I am a grown up! It's not like my mom was going to get mad at me. So, I relaxed and closed one eye and hoped he would hurry so I could get my latte.

He came back to my car and handed me my citation and told me how to pay my fine or go to court or ask for a continuance or something but I wasn't listening because ONE EYE CLOSED NEED LATTE. I thanked him and wished him a good day and took my leave.

Once I made it to Barnes and Noble, I looked at my ticket and noticed the officer's name - Officer Dick. Figures.

I went inside and bought the comic books and then went to Starbucks to get a latte and try out my new Starbucks alter ego, "Josie".

Barista: What's your name?

Vikki (nervously): Josie.

Barista: Jesse?

Oh god. She knows!

Vikki: Um, no. Josie.

She rang up my order and I realized that I needed to pay with a credit card because I gave the last of my cash to the homeless man! My credit card says my name is "Vikki" not "Josie" so I began to panic. My crime spree and web of lies was getting out of hand! Then, I remembered that I had a gift code on my phone and I was able to use that. "Josie" got her latte and "Vikki" headed to the grocery store for half and half.

At the grocery store, I bought a baguette, sushi for Zeca, two boxes of DOTS, orange Tic Tacs, two packs of Trident bubble gum and went on my way.

I drove towards the bridge and noticed that Officer Dick had pulled over another unsuspecting soul and proceeded at exactly 30 miles per hour onto the bridge, across the river and to the safety of Minneapolis. When I got home and put away the groceries, I realized that I had forgotten to get the half and half.

On the upside, the headache is gone. Amazing what a $121 latte can do.