Cher and Cher Alike

Sometimes, I commit to too many things. I'm sure this happens to you too, right? You think, "I can do that!" and "I can do that too!" and "Bring on all the things because I have all these empty thing slots to fill!"

Wait. That last one sounds wrong.

Let's all agree that we won't tell people to bring things for our empty thing slots.

Actually, when I put it like that - "thing slots" - it sounds like I have a pronounced lip and I am asking for sling shots. BRING ME ALL THE SLING SHOTS! Maybe sling shots could kill two birds with one stone which would be helpful given that I have too many birds and a serious shortage of stones.

Anyway, I have too much to do and, when that happens, I often make terrible choices regarding my time. It has been awhile since I documented my horrible choices so, today, I bring you a latest edition of Things I Did This Week When I Should Have Been Writing!

1. I contemplated moving to a yurt and then spent a significant amount of time using the Googler to find images of yurts to text to friends so that they could envision my new abode. This was similar to the time I texted a friend and told her I was going to become a longshoreman and then sent her images of longshoreman and used "longshore" as a verb, like "I can't text right now. I have to go longshore."

2. I sat in bed drinking bourbon and watching Cher videos on YouTube. If I could turn back time, I might put that evening to better use.

3. I spent a lot of time on Google searching "hip + short + hairstyles + women" and all the possible variants. Thank god for Pink.

4. Much like The Great Mascara Extravaganza before my wedding, I decided that I would start experimenting with my longer hair. So, I dug out my blow dryer and blew my hair dry for the first time since 1987. I used two different hair gels (one applied before drying and one after) and even parted it on the opposite side. Crazy. My hair and I spent a lot of time together this week and got closer which I didn't even think was possible because we were already so close. I love ya, hair.

5. I read Orange Is The New Black fan boards to see pictures of Laura Prepon filming for season 2 because I would run drugs for Alex Vause any day.

6. I wrote about trilobites at VillageQ and am baking the cake mentioned in that post right this very minute.

7. I agreed to play Words With Friends with Luisa even though I always lose which is embarrassing because English isn't even her first language.

8. I had to watch Celine Dion dance to Daft Punk's Get Lucky because Alexandra made me. Be kind to Alexandra and Celine because they lost to me and Cher.

Despite all of this, somehow, I managed to write a blog post every day here at Up Popped A Fox, three blog posts for VillageQ and 1,549 words on the final essay of my manuscript.

Maybe I'm not such a slacker after all.

Is that it?

I am in one of those moods when I just want to write random things and then I do and then people read the random things and think, "HA HA HA! What is wrong with her?!" but I never know that's what people are thinking because I don't have ESP which stands for extrasensory perception and is not one of the Myers-Briggs personality types. So, because I can't really hear your judging me, I am going to write whatever crazy thought pops into my head and have a grand ol' time while I do.

Speaking of ol', I really hate shops that use "ye", "olde" or "shoppe" in their names. Unless you are a blacksmith, don't do that. I don't want to get candy from "Ye Olde Candy Shoppe" because I assume it sells those weird old timey ribbon candies that my grandmother used to buy at Christmas. Related but not really, if I walk into "Ye Olde Candle Shoppe", there better be a butcher, a baker and a candlestick maker in there.

Actually, there shouldn't be a butcher and a baker because I don't want to buy food where they make candles so never mind about that one.

Speaking of candles, I used to really like candles until my cat walked by one and caught his tail on fire. He's dead now - not from the tail burning incident but because of other things like aging and meanness. Momo the Cat (pictured) has never had to deal with a candle burning her tail because our candle use declined after the tail incident and then we had kids and worried they would catch on fire. So, now, we don't use candles at all. I do miss candles sometimes. They always made the house seem cozy. We also used to like to burn incense because we were co-op shopping lesbians with a fondness for Guatemalan prints. That's not really true - I had only one Guatemalan print shirt and that was from my first girlfriend and, by the time Luisa and I were burning incense, I didn't wear it anymore. I'm breaking down stereotypes here! We eventually stopped burning incense because we came to our incenses. Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Speaking of Momo the Cat, Miguel drove her insane this morning singing his own version of Lady Gaga's "Applause" with the refrain, "We live for the appaws, appaws, appaws*..." Momo was not a fan but I thought it was funny and now I want an all feline remake of the original video:

http://youtu.be/pco91kroVgQ

Speaking of nothing in particular, I went for a pap smear today and my doctor asked if I would allow a medical student to do it. After having two babies, I'm not particular about who does my paps so I said, "Sure."

So, the medical student warmed up the speculum and started doing the deed and then she turned to my doctor and said, "Is that it?" I said, "I'm going to stop you right there. Never say, 'Is that it?' That does not instill confidence. People want to know that you know your way around down there." She laughed and said, "I guess I need to work on my wording." We all had a good laugh which made me happy because I have one goal when I see a doctor - make them laugh. It's a challenge but I usually win and it is very important to win doctor's appointments.

That's all for today. Thankfully. Tune in tomorrow for coherent thoughts. Hopefully. Maybe.

*Note: my computer keeps correcting "appaws" to "papaws" because it must feel olde timey as well.

PHOTO CREDIT: VIKKI REICH

A Murder of Crows

About an hour ago, I was sitting at my desk and staring out the window, trying to make meaning of life by silently considering such questions as, "Why isn't my Facebook page showing up?" and "Will the sun shine again before May?" and "What Halloween candy is still in the bowl downstairs?" My deep thoughts were interrupted when a giant crow flew into the tree outside my window and startled me. It sat there, ruffling its wings, and then flew towards the back of the house. I then heard a great crow cacophony coming from the back yard. It sounded as if a thousand angry crows had gathered to plan an attack on an unsuspecting villager - like me, for example. I was afraid to look out the window because I worried they might stare right back at me if I did. So, I did what every brave soul does in times of danger - I sat at my desk and updated my Facebook status:

"The crows are out of control today - so loud. I think they are organizing and I am scared."

If I am ever in a grave situation, I do hope my last words will be more profound than those.

A few moments later, however, the crows disappeared and I was enveloped in an eery silence. I ran downstairs to ask Luisa if she'd heard the crows and found her sitting at her desk with headphones on. When she saw me, she took one ear bud out and looked at me expectantly.

"Did you hear all those crows in the back yard?!"

"I heard something. I thought it was a bunch of ducks."

Guess who's getting the Sibley Guide to Birds for her birthday?

"They were crows! Lots of them!"

She shrugged, put her ear bud back in and went back to work. I went back to my desk and noticed that a friend had asked on Facebook if I knew what a group of crows was called. I had a vague recollection that I'd looked it up before but couldn't remember so I turned to Google.

A MURDER OF CROWS!

I had obviously blocked that out.

Then, I did a little research about crows and learned a few things that I will share with you now...

1. Ravens and crows are in the same family but ravens are bigger. (I do not like this idea.)

2. I don't remember ever reading Edgar Allan Poe's "The Raven" in its entirety. (If I did, I forgot. I have read it now.)

3. About the phrase "eating crow" - 1) Crows are listed in Leviticus unfit for eating and 2) The earliest reference is in a story in the Saturday Evening Post in 1850 about a stupid farmer.

4. Crows are omnivores and, based on Google's autofill, I am not the only person to ask "Has a crow ever killed a person?"

5. Crows remember faces. (This is something I could have lived without knowing.)

6. Crows have regional dialects and conspire with one another. (Really, really do not like this.)

7. Male crows do not have penises. (I did not watch that mating video. Still too traumatized.)

8. Last but now least, crows will help you with NaBloPoMo. (Thanks, you freaky birds!)

photo credit: garryknight via photopin cc