Well Hello

Luisa left for Atlanta yesterday to spend time with her secret lover and their 2.5 children. She denies that this other family exists but I know better. Why else would she need to go to Atlanta once a year? Sure, she claims she's an epidemiologist and that the Center for Disease Control is in Atlanta but whatever. I know the truth. I have accepted my lot and that means I'm single parenting this week. I had planned to while away the hours tonight writing a very deep and moving piece for you but I didn't have time because I was too busy saying things like, "PLEASE DO NOT PRETEND THAT YOUR RAVIOLI IS A HOWLER!" and "NO YOU CAN'T HAVE CANDY BEFORE BED!" and "I TOLD YOU TO STOP MAKING YOUR RAVIOLI TALK! IT'S NOT APPROPRIATE EVEN WITH THE BRITISH ACCENT!" and "NO, NOT EVEN A TEENY TINY PIECE OF CANDY!" Plus, I had to do all the dishes and get lunches ready for tomorrow and help the children get ready for bed and then tell them "goodnight" four million and one times. I'm like Cinderella and the kids are like those happy little mice she hangs out with except my mice don't make me party dresses while I'm doing chores. 

Anyway, I'm out of time tonight. I didn't want to leave you without any substance, however, so I give you this as an offering:

Are you excited? I know I am. I have plans, my friends...lots of plans!

Lezz-ay Faire

Well, I'd ask you all what you've been up to this past week but I know what you've been doing. You have been voting, pushing buttons like a sassy 3 year old on a sugar high! And, because of you, this blog won the Lezzy Award in the Parenting category.  Last year, I dubbed myself the bride's drunk cousin of the Lezzy Awards but, this year, I was like the slacker girl who smokes pot in the school parking lot every day and gets nominated for Student Body President by one of her stoner friends as a joke but then the other two deserving candidates get into knife fight over the price of hot lunches and the slacker ends up winning. What? That shit happens all the time. Let me just say that I was honored to rub virtual shoulders with LesbianDad and Mombian in the Parenting category. They clearly knocked each other out and I was the last one standing. Now, I get to be the top Lezzy for the next year so prepare for my Lezzy Winning Reign of Terror. It will involve run-on sentences, stream of consciousness rambling and a healthy sprinkling of Peeps.

I would like to thank Luisa for underwiting this blog and authorizing me to purchase a new Flip camera for blogging purposes. Your support means so much to me and I love you (I had to throw that part in or the tabloids would start insinuating that we were about to split). I would also like to thank my non-existent agent for the book deal that has never materialized. Lastly, I want to thank all of you who come here and read my crazy missives. You are the best.

Be sure to check out the full list of winners here. I was thrilled to see that Grace the Spot, Autostraddle and Peaches and Coconuts also pulled off victories. Congratulations to all of the finalists and the winners! Lezzy love for all!

It seems fitting to celebrate this victory today because we are celebrating something else in the Casa de Up Popped A Fox -  Zeca's 5th birthday. Five years ago, I dropped Miguel off at school and chatted with his teachers about the fact that I was in labor and then Zeca was born one hour later. She caught me by surprise that day, as she has almost every day since.

Now, go out and celebrate! Pretend that your drinks are on me for now and, if we ever meet in the real world, I'll buy you a real one. Cheers!

Crochet Madness!

Sometimes, my children have a difficult time entertaining themselves. I am sure that this is because I paid too much attention to them when they were babies. I was always, "Oh baby, look at this black and white book with the geometric shapes!" or "Sweetie, let mama play peek-a-boo with you for hours!" This was a huge tactical error on my part. Sure, they are smart and engaged little people but they expect so much now. Are they content to draw with crayons on the back of a torn envelope? No, they want to do elaborate crafts that require a glue gun, pipe cleaners and parental supervision. Will they play with the thousands of toys strewn about the house? No, they want me to play with them and, as much as I love my kids, I can only fly Star Wars ships around for so long. So, basically, I ruined them. Now, when I am unavailable, they roam around aimlessly like little huns, gnashing their teeth and trashin' the joint. They look kinda like this:

But, something wonderful has happened! A crochet craze is sweeping through their school and my kids are caught right up in it. They are crocheting like crazy people! They crochet in the morning before school, at breaks during school, all evening long and even in bed. Now, they look like this:

Now, my son can turn anything into a competitive sport. This is the child that joined a choir and tried to engage all of the other children in a little game called "Who Can Learn the Songs the Fastest and Make the Least Number of Mistakes?! I Bet It's Me BWAH HA HA!" Not surprisingly, he won. Yes, my son won at choir. Now, he has turned his attention to Competitive Crocheting and intends to out-crochet his classmates and possibly break a world record. He has Zeca working her fingers to nubbins to help. I'm fine with that. Im just happy that my little huns are engaged in something other than stalking me and pillaging the village. That gets so old. Now, I just have to keep them in yarn because I don't know what they'll do if we run out. They might put my head on a pole...but at least I'd probably be sporting a lovely crocheted hat.