Mama Needs a Time Out

Have you ever had one of those days where you get home from a horrible, smoke-filled day at work and all that you really want is to see the smiling faces of your children when they get off the bus but the bus is a half-hour late and the children get off the bus and are already screaming at each other so you get immediately agitated and then, because they are so late, you realize that you are not going to make it to the youngest child's martial arts class and you tell the child this and she bursts into tears and throws herself to the ground while the other child is all "So, what's for snack? Can I have a cookie? Can I have a piece of gum? CAN I HAVE THE LAST PIECE OF YOUR MIND?" and you rake that child over the coals for his selfishness while comforting the weeper and then you tell both kids that there is no time for a big snack because you are meeting friends for dinner and you have them put all of their winter gear back on and send them to the car but as you are walking to the car to head to the restaurant your partner calls to tell you that she's at the restaurant and it's closed so she will have to wait for the friends to arrive before deciding on another place so you sit in the cold car with your two surly children because you can't face taking them back in the house and getting them out of their coats and boots and finally your girlfriend calls 20 minutes later and names a new restaurant and you head over there and, luckily, get a table for 8 without having to wait and then you make the mistake of allowing all the children to sit together at one end of the table while the adults sit at the other end and you also make the mistake of ordering a Diet Coke rather than a good beer and then your children are mildly inappropriate and irritating and you completely overreact and make one of them trade places with you but then you realize you are sitting with all the kids and can't participate in the adult conversation so you get crabbier and then a sweet little child tells you that she's drawing a picture of you and you actually say "Well honey, make sure it has a crabby face" and the child says, "I will" and eventually you decide that you and the punished child have suffered enough and you switch back but you feel like the whole dinner is kinda weird now but you forge ahead and laugh with your friends a bit but then they tell you that Minneapolis has issued a parking ban on the even sides of streets until April which means that it will be very hard for you to find a place to park on your street for the next TWO MONTHS so you are filled with despair once again and your children choose that very moment to ask for dessert and you are a total grinch about it and squash their hopes with no compassion whatsoever and they give you dirty looks and you give them right back and then it is time to go and you drive home only to get stuck in the snow while trying to park your car in front of your house and you actually scream primally and tell your child to go get you a snow shovel but you are impatient so you stomp to the house to get the snow shovel yourself and you stomp back to the car and start shoveling around the tires even though you know it's useless because the tires are sitting on ice but you shovel in a rage and then you pull something in your already injured tailbone and your ass starts throbbing in rhythm with your rage and then your partner comes out and offers to help and you respond by bursting into tears, throwing the snow shovel in a snow bank and then screaming into the dark sky, "I HATE THIS FUCKING STATE!" and then you jump in the car and gun the engine while the wheels spin and your partner asks you to roll down the window and you sob and shake your head "no" and she yells that she is going to push you out and then she pushes the car out and you pull down the street and into a better spot and you turn off the engine and then your sweet partner appears at the window again asking you to roll it down and you shake your head "no" and sit in the car crying and she explains that the front of the car is sticking out into the road and you yell that you don't care and that you are done with winter and snow and things being hard and she asks you to get out of the car and go inside while she fixes the car but you refuse because you are in the Stubbornly Angry mood which is so very unattractive and you know this but you have given yourself over to it and there is no going back and your partner talks to you calmly through the window (because the doors are locked of course) and you eventually let her push the car back and you follow her instructions and finally get the car parked properly and then you get out of the car, slam the door and lock it before shaking the earth with the anger in your footsteps as you go into the house and then you think it's a good idea to tell the kids that you were disappointed in their behavior at dinner (you know...while they are tucked into bed trying to go to sleep) and you don't raise your voice at them or anything (which seems a monumnetal accomplishment) but they get upset anyway and one starts to cry and they other gets goofy and then it takes an extra 15 minutes before they fall asleep and when you finally collapse onto the couch, you are no longer angry but simply sad because you realize that you just had the grown-up equivalent of a Major Tantrum? Have you ever had this happen? No? Yeah, me neither.

p.s. Yes, I Googled that image of grass per Deborah's suggestion in the comments of the last post. Yes, it helps.

Winter Is Killing Me - Send Reinforcements

So, what have I been up to since we last did whatever it is we do here? What do we do here? Write? Read? Converse? When I say "Converse", I am talking about talking and not about shoes. I thought I should clarify since lesbians read this blog and lesbians love Converse. They also love to converse too but that is sometimes less comfortable and doesn't come in a rainbow of colors. Now, where was I? Oh yes, that's the question at hand actually. Last Saturday, we went to the Arctic Golf tournament again. For those of you who have no idea what an Arctic Golf Tournament is, you can read last year's post here. That post had pictures. This one does not but how many pictures do we really need of me standing on snow attempting to hit a tennis ball with a golf club? The answer is "one" and that "one" was last year. This is the third year that we have attended and I get worse every year. Why is that? Shouldn't I be getting better? I guess I did a little better this year because, though I missed the ball twice, I never fell down. Of course, I also quit after those two misses and Miguel took over for me and I was basically his caddy...a caddy that repeatedly said things like, "NO YOU CAN'T HAVE ANOTHER PIECE OF CANDY FROM THAT PASSING SNOWMOBILE!" and "OH MY GOD! YOU ALMOST HIT YOUR TEACHER IN THE HEAD WITH THAT CLUB!". I also said, "WOW! GOOD JOB BABY!" quite a bit too. Our team tied with Luisa's team for third place. Last year, Luisa's team won so I think Luisa is getting worse too but let's just keep that between us.

On Sunday, we went to the Open House at the kids' school or, as we like to call it,  "The Completely Overwhelming Time At Our Children's School During Which The Children Do Nothing But Beg For Brownies And Juice". We are all figuring out that the Open House just might not be our gig. The classrooms are crowded and loud and we want to be amazed by our kids' work and they feel like they have to perform and it's just too much for everyone. At one point, I looked around and there were all these kids and parents sitting at tables focused on very serious projects while my son wandered around (and eventually left) the room while we stood awkwardly in the corner. Open Houses are required. It's written in the parenting contract, fine print of course. I'm going to have to call my attorney to see if she can find a loop hole for me next year.

So, that's what I've been up to these past few days...well, that and cursing the weather. Complaining about the snow and the cold takes up a lot of my time. It's a full-time job but it's apparently a volunteer position because I have not earned a dime from it yet. It's hard to find creative ways to complain about the weather but you have to because you can't just fill your Twitter stream with things like: "It snowed again. I hate this fucking state." You can't post blogs every day saying, "What's new with me? Well, I still hate the cold, still can't feel my feet and my ass is still sore from the sledding incident that robbed me of what little winter joy I had. How 'bout you?" People will grow weary. So, I'm suffering in silence though Luisa might disagree with the "silence" part of that statement. I did dig out from under the snow long enough to write about Spring for Grace the Spot: Seasons of Love - Lesbian Style. Check that out while I set myself on fire to get warm.

Oddities

So, I have decided that the best way to get back into blogging is to get back into blogging! I am a total genius! In that spirit, I am going to worry a little less about what I'm writing. Who wants more sub-par blog posts? You do! I'm going to focus on the positive and when I veer into dangerously negative territory, I am going to throw virtual confetti in the air and shout, "HOORAY!" Are you ready? I know I am, by golly.

Today's post will be a little random because my mind is a little random. [HOORAY! {confetti}] Everyone loves a little random now and then so I'm just going to go with it.

I've mentioned that we live in Powderhorn Park which is this funky little 'hood in south Minneapolis. It's a great place and I love it. I can't imagine living anywhere else except for when the sun hasn't shined in days and I can't feel my damn feet. [HOORAY! {confetti}] Part of what makes the neighborhood so amazing is that it is filled with creative whackadoodles, people that imagine and create quirky events for the rest of the neighborhood. Well, one such even was held in the park last weekend - the Art Sled Rally. I've never actually been to this and we had some scheduling conflicts so couldn't go this year either. However, I did grumpily lumber over to the park with the children after it was all over [HOORAY! {confetti}] and arrived in time to see the calling of the animals. There were four giant animals made of everyday stuff like plastic and old christmas ornaments and broken vases and wood. They were roused from hibernation by the crowd and converged on the frozen lake where the event organizers set a bunch of Christmas trees on fire. I was hoping that it would blaze with such intensity that it would melt through the ice and fall through but my friends were afraid that, if that happened, we would all fall in too and freeze to death. [HOORAY! {confetti}] Well, the fire was huge but it didn't burn through the ice which was slightly disappointing but probably for the best because there were a few hundred people standing on the ice next to it. You can check out my blurry blackberry pictures from the event here.

I thought I'd share two other blurry oddities with you as well - my children. [HOORAY! {confetti}] I have no idea what the hell they were talking about but they are funny little people. Enjoy!

Alrighty, we made it through a post. Now, who's going to clean up all this confetti because it makes such a huge mess?! [HOORAY! {confetti}] Damn. There it goes again.