When Lesbians Pack

I'm going to BlogHer again this year. I had no choice - Deborah willed it to be so. I leave today and I know that I will have a great time because I learned two valuable lessons last year: 1. You have to actually talk to people if you want them to talk to you.

2. You cannot cure a hangover with Jimmy Dean sausages wrapped in pancakes.

So, my goal is to talk to people and to avoid eating my way through the expo hall. I dream big.

This year I am also a panelist. There is a little badge on the right side and if you click on it, you can see the topic of my panel. I'll be talking about networking and mentorship and taking online life offline. I'm surprised they didn't ask me to speak about my brilliant hangover cures.

If you look over at the little badge about the panel, you might also notice another little badge - one of my posts was selected as an honoree for the BlogHer Voices of the Year. I'm honored to be an honoree. It also makes me feel honorable. 

I've seen a lot of posts about BlogHer and what to pack and there are people freaking about how many pairs of shoes to take and what fancy dresses/ensembles to bring. There is a lot of fashion anxiety out there. So, I thought I would put all minds at ease by telling y'all how my kind of lez packs for a 3 day conference:

The contents of my suitcase:

• 3 pairs of pants
• 3 t-shirts
• 3 shirts
• Cardigan
• 3 pairs of socks
• 3 pairs of underwear
• Extra bra
• Bra
• Pajamas
• One pair of shoes (Fluevogs, of course)
• Deoderant
• Product for my hair do
• Soap and shampoo
• Toothbrush and toothpaste and floss
• Ibuprofen
• Bottle of wine

I would like to call your attention to ONE PAIR OF SHOES and BOTTLE OF WINE. See - this packing thing is simple. Now, if that bottle of wine breaks, I'll smell like a drunk the whole weekend but I can always hang out in the room in my underwear and drink from the mini-bar. Win/Win.

I'm also providing a community service - when the fancy ladies feel like they are not fancy enough, they can stand by me and look fancy once again! But wait - there's more! If I am wearing wine-soaked clothes, they'll also get to feel more functional than me. My generosity knows no bounds.

That's all for now! Watch out Jimmy Dean - I'm comin' for ya!

How to Make Children Neurotic

Step 1: Tell your children that you are taking them to a walled city so that you can walk the walls with them. Spend all day building this up as a great adventure. 

Step 2: When you enter the city, point out the high walls that surround you. Make repeated excited exclamations to build the anticipation.

Step 3: As you begin to ascend the walls, hold your child's hand in a death grip and say, "My god. This is higher than I remember." For added angst, repeatedly (and with a hint of desperation) tell the children to be careful.

Step 4: As the ascent continues without any discernible end in sight, begin to express your doubts about the endeavor out loud. Say things like, "I don't know about this" or "It's quite narrow and it's so crowded". 

Step 5: Repeatedly point out that there are no railings and tell the children that if they do not stay against the wall, they could fall off of the wall and plummet to their deaths.

Step 6: Once at the top, if the children  appear to be having fun, remind them that this is serious. Tell them to stop dancing/laughing/dashing about. Hold onto them by their hoodies if necessary.

Step 7: Tell them to sit by an opening in the wall for a picture. When they try to wiggle themselves into the window, shriek and run towards them. Point through the window and scream, "Do you know what's on the other side?! Death - that's what!" This will lighten the mood.

Step 8: When a child asks to go up another set of stairs to a scenic look-out, scream "no!" Then tell them that there is nothing to see from that height...just more sky and death.

Step 9: As you begin to walk the walls, watch the children like hawks. If they take their eyes of their feet for a moment to enjoy the view, redirect their attention immediately back to the uneven path before them.

Step 10: Intermittently scream, "Stay against the wall!" For added effect, you can add the occasional "oh god".

Step 11: When the children tell you that you are scaring them, ask (in your sweetest voice) why they are scared. Then assure them that there is no reason to be scared. When they look at you funny for talking in a sugary voice that they have never heard you use, remind them to look at the path.

Step 12: Through clenched teeth, begin to make proclamations about how much fun you are all having. Refrain from shrieking/screaming/exclaming/grabbing for a few minutes to restore a sense of calm.

Step 13: When people need to pass, yell "Up against the wall!" like you are stuck in an episode of Law and Order.

Step 14: When you finally begin your descent, speak cheerfully about the "adventure" and ask them if they had fun.

Step 15: When they suggest that they would like to leave you in the city next time and walk the walls with their other parent, wave away their concerns and assure them that you are making family memories.

Follow these simple steps and your children too can be terrified of family vacations. Just remember - everyone needs something to talk about when they go to therapy. You are giving your children a gift.

Back in the Saddle

The last time I wrote we had left the south of Portugal because I got bored lying on the beach all day and couldn't face putting on my wet swimsuit one more time. And then? I never wrote again. How mysterious! Well, let me tell you - we did lots of stuff after that but sometimes our internet access was wacky and then sometimes there was wine and sometimes there was fatigue and sometimes I read things instead of writing things. When we got home (oh - did I mention that we are home?), I was going to do some catch up posts but the pictures from the trip are all on Luisa's work computer and we've yet to transfer them to the home computer. Throw in some jet lag and laziness and now we all know why I haven't made millions as a travel writer.

There are many things that I still want to write about like sailing and walking on the walls of Obidos (pictured above). I want to write about fear and fearlessness and maybe a handy guide on how to help children develop vacation-related neuroses. Those posts will come in time. I promise. Remind me if I forget.

For now, I'm just trying to get back into the swing of things and part of that means I needed to write something - anything - just to jump start my blogging. So consider this little post my way of cleaning out the cobwebs and starting again. At least there's a pretty picture, right?