Dear Past Self

Several weeks ago, I ran across a note written by Miguel that read:

Dear futer self,

Hi it's me past self. You are so lucky you know stuff I don't know.

Your pal,

past self

I thought about this little note recently when I had a horrible day at work. It made me smile because - hello - cuteness. It also made me think about my 16 year old self working at a soda fountain which was a great gig. So, I decided to write a letter to my 16 year old self.

Dear Sixteen Year Old Vikki,

I don't want to freak you out but this is a letter from you at 42. I know - you get old! I just wanted to give you a very important piece of advice. Ready?

Stop thinking about what you should do with your life and think about what you want to do with your life.  

Trust yourself.

That's really all I wanted to say but, since I have your attention, I'd like to give you a few more quick pointers:

• Keep that job at Zarda's as long as you can. That is a good gig. The work is easy and fun and you get free ice cream. What's not to like? Also, eat more ice cream. You'll gain weight someday anyway so don't spend so much time worrying about it.
• Cut your hair. Better to be a short-haired girl in a sea of long-haired girls than to be a poodle/girl hybrid in a sea of long-haired girls. Seriously - do it today.
• Your boyfriend is gay and so are you. If you doubt me, examine your feelings about Belinda Carlile. You don't really want to be Belinda Carlile. You want to do Belinda Carlile. Am I right? I think I am.
• Embrace your quirks. They make you interesting. Also, they are permanent. Sorry - the truth hurts.
• Let mom buy you that orange Karmann Ghia! I know you think it's a weird car but you will appear so much cooler to your future friends if you go with that rather than the Fiat. Mom will be wrong about a lot of things but she is so right about that car!

That's all for now. I have to go ice my sciatica and take out my teeth. Ha! I'm just kidding - 42 isn't that old!

With love,

42 year old Vikki

Lines Will Be Drawn

The headline reads "Amendment to ban same-sex marriage moves closer to ballot in 2012" and, this time, they are talking about Minnesota. This time, the state government that is trying to legislate discrimination is my own. For most of my life, I have been ambivalent about marriage. I grew up believing that, while love may last forever,  relationships rarely do. Nearly every person in my family has been divorced at least once which instilled in me a deep cynicism about the institution itself. I never imagined myself getting married, never looked at my mother's dress and imagined myself wearing it as I walked down the aisle. After coming out, marriage was definitely not an option anymore but I felt no sense of loss.

The truth is that not all LGBT people want marriage equality and the reasons vary.  There is no hive mind in our community which is partly why we can't actually agree on that Homosexual Agenda you hear so much about. I have friends on both sides of the issue - friends for and against - and I have managed to walk some sort of middle ground. I have always understood both sides, felt kinship with both sides, but I've never taken a position.

Today, as I read about the proposed amendment here, I cried. I cried a lot. I eventually pulled myself together because I had a lunch date with Zeca. As I sat in her classroom in that tiny chair and chatted with her and her friends, I realized why I had spent the morning in tears. I have never needed legal recognition to legitimize my relationship. I have never needed it to deepen my commitment to my partner. I still don't need it but, today, I realized that I want it - not for me but for my kids. 

Our kids talk about marriage often. It matters to them. Just last week, I asked Miguel why marriage equality was so important to him and he said, "Mom, it is wrong that you can't marry the person you love. It's just wrong." Zeca agreed and then told me that she wants to see us get married. She believes in marriage because she believes that both love and relationships can last. And why wouldn't she? Her parents have been together for 18 years.

When you live outside the law long enough, you begin to accept inequality. You find ways to work around it. If you have money, you hire attorneys to help you protect your relationship and family. If you don't, you hold tightly to those you love and hope for the best. But, protecting your family shouldn't require economic privilege or good fortune. Legal protection should be a right.

If this amendment makes it to the ballot, the fight will be an ugly one. Hateful words will flow effortlessly from the mouths of people previously considered to be reasonable and my family will be forced to bear witness to it all. Luisa and I have done all we can to protect our family legally but how will we protect our children from the war of words that will take place when our civil rights are placed on the ballot for popular vote?  How many more times will I have to explain to them that such actions are born of fear and ignorance?

I have always clung to the belief that people are basically good. When my children are hurt by others, when times are difficult, this is what I tell them. I can't help but wonder how much longer they'll believe me when faced with so much evidence to the contrary. My only hope is that the love we share every day will teach them kindness and compassion and help them believe that love will always prevail over hate.

In the coming days, we will all need to believe that more than ever.

The Real Issue with Grey's Anatomy

Last night was the Grey’s Anatomy Musical Event and today the internet is ablaze with opinions on whether or not it worked as an episode. Lost in all the commentary is the story at the heart of it all – the relationship between Callie and Arizona. For those who don’t watch the show, Callie and Arizona are together and Callie is pregnant with Mark’s baby.  The most shocking scene for me was not Callie lying bloodied on the hood of the car or the fact that she was facing death. The scene that caused me to gasp and brought me to tears was one that took place between Mark and Arizona as they discussed the risks involved in saving Callie and the baby: 

Mark: You never wanted this. You never asked for one. Why are you even giving some opinion on what you-- Arizona: No. No. You know what I didn’t ask for? I didn’t ask for you Mark. Because you wanna know what you are? You're basically a sperm donor. This is me and this is Callie and we're together, so I say-- Mark: No, you don’t get a say. This is my family. I’m the father. I’m the father. You’re not anything. You’re nothing. 

You’re not anything. You’re nothing. 

With those cruel words, Mark gives voice to the worst fear of every non-biological parent out there. More than the songs and drama last night, those words are the most haunting because – as much as we would like to pretend otherwise – they are true in a legal sense. Callie and Arizona cannot legally marry. Arizona has no legal standing to make decisions for Callie. She has no say in what happens to the baby. Legally, she is neither wife nor mother. This is the profound truth that many LGBT couples and parents live with and it is terrifying. So, instead of talking about the flow of the episode and the voices of the actors and actresses, can we talk about that?