Why Can't I Sleep?

INT. VIKKI'S BEDROOM - 10:00 PM

Vikki nestles into bed and calls out to the children.

VIKKI I'm going to bed! Please be quiet and try not to slam the doors when you go in and out of your rooms!

MIGUEL AND ZECA We won't! Goodnight!

INT. VIKKI'S BEDROOM - 10:30 PM

Vikki hears someone watching videos loudly.

VIKKI Miguel! Turn the volume down on your phone or use headphones!

VIKKI Miguel!

Vikki, reluctant to get out of bed because she still hopes to sleep, texts her son.

VIKKI Please turn down your phone.

MIGUEL k

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE VIKKI'S BEDROOM - 11:00 PM

There is the sound of multiple doors slamming.

MIGUEL Zeca! I was in the bathroom first!

ZECA You take too long in the bathroom!

MIGUEL I do not!

ZECA You do too!

VIKKI I am still trying to sleep! Stop arguing and slamming doors!

MIGUEL AND ZECA Sorry, mom. Goodnight.

 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE VIKKI'S BEDROOM - 12:30 AM

Once again, there is the sound of multiple doors slamming.

MIGUEL Hey, Zeca. What are you doing up?

ZECA I'm not tired yet. What about you?

MIGUEL Same.

VIKKI You know who is tired? ME. I want to sleep.

MIGUEL AND ZECA Sorry, mom. Goodnight!

INT. VIKKI'S BEDROOM - 1:00 AM

Vikki is lying in bed and hears a noise outside.

 VIKKI (voiceover of internal thoughts) What is that noise? It sounds like a container being dragged under the window. Is the neighbor doing yard work? Oh god. Is it a body? Is someone dragging a body? Wait--what if someone is breaking into the garage? I should get up and look but if I get up to look, I may not be able to fall asleep. If I don't get up to look and someone is burying a body in the neighbor's back yard or stealing our bikes, I will feel bad about it when I'm eventually interviewed by the police or the media. "Miss Reich, did you hear anything on the night in question?" "Well, I did but I didn't get up to see what it was." "While the woman was buried alive in the neighbor's back yard, you chose to roll over and fluff your pillows and try to sleep." "Yes, yes. That's what I did."

INT. VIKKI'S BEDROOM - 1:30 AM

Vikki gets up and goes to the window and looks down to the patio below and sees a cat.

VIKKI (aloud) Hey! Cat! Pssst!

VIKKI (voiceover of internal thoughts) Why isn't the cat moving? Did someone drag a cat sculpture onto the patio? Jesus, Vikki! Why would anyone do that? What is wrong with you?

VIKKI (aloud) Cat! Here kitty, kitty!

VIKKI (voiceover of internal thoughts) Why won't the cat move? Is it dead? Great. Just what I need--a dead cat on the patio. Whatever. I'll deal it in the morning.

INT. VIKKI'S BEDROOM - 2:00 AM

Vikki is lying in bed, eyes open.

VIKKI (voiceover of internal thoughts) Is that Momo on the patio? Did one of the kids let Momo out of the house and now she's on the patio and she is probably scared because she's never been outside? No, it can't be Momo, right? No. Momo is somewhere in the house. But why isn't she in the bedroom with me like usual. Damn it! How did Momo get outside?!

VIKKI (aloud) Momo! Where are you, Momo! Come here, Momo!

The End

I live this every night though the versions vary. No wonder I'm tired all the time.

This Is My Brain without Diet Coke

I was in New York last week to attend a conference and, while there, I didn't have a single Diet Coke. I drank a lot of water and a lot of other things but no Diet Coke and I didn't realize it until I was at the airport to return home. So, I immediately bought a Diet Coke because it's important to give yourself what you forgot you wanted. I also bought some pretzels because one night several nights before, I was sitting in a bar with friends and said, "Wow. I really wish I had some pretzels." There were no pretzels to be had then but, at the airport, there were and though I didn't want them, I was so impressed with my memory and my ability to delay gratification that I bought them to go with the Diet Coke I felt obligated to have. This is how you do self-care. I sat down with my Diet Coke and pretzels and ate and drank like it was my duty to American capitalism and I had an epiphany--Diet Coke tastes like chemicals and eating pretzel bites is like eating bread rocks. I did finish the pretzels because I have a fear of being trapped on a plane while hungry and being forced to root around in the seat pocket for a stray bag of peanuts or a slightly fuzzy M&M but I could not drink the Diet Coke and I took this as a sign that it was time for me to give up Diet Coke.

This is my journey and my internal thoughts along the way...

Day 1

6:00 am: Today is the day! I am giving up Diet Coke! This is so exciting. I am going to finish this coffee and then go running and then I am going to write 229 blog posts!

10:30 am: I smell like sweat and I'm too tired to walk to the shower. Why am I so tired? Can I go to bed now? I will shower...I will...soon...

12:30 pm: I have showered and I am clean and now I get to have lunch! After lunch I will write 112 posts because I need to be realistic and I haven't written anything yet.

12:45 pm: This is the saddest lunch ever. A sandwich and chips and no Diet Coke. Sad. I am sad. Everything is sad. This dining room table is sad. Why am I so sad?

1:00 pm: I am thirsty. I now understand how people lost in the desert feel except that I am in my house and it's not hot and there isn't any sand here. Why am I so thirsty? I had coffee and...I haven't had anything to drink but coffee. I don't understand how to make the thirst go away.

2:00 pm: WATER! I need to drink water! But I hate water because it has no taste. It's like air. Actually, it is air except for those hydrogen molecules but does hydrogen have a taste? NO IT DOES NOT. I will drink water. I will drink a big glass of water because I know that this is what human bodies need to survive but I will resent it.

8:00 pm: Yay! I get to meet a friend for appetizers!

Galit: I'll have a Diet Coke.

Vikki: I'lll have...water.

Galit: Just water?

Vikki: I gave up Diet Coke. I want to order onion rings but I don't think I can eat onion rings and drink water. You have to have a Diet Coke with onion rings...and french fries...and popcorn. You can't eat any of those things with water!

Galit: I know! Get a club soda with lime!

Vikki: That's a great idea!

11:00 pm: Club soda is amazing! I will drink it all the time! Life is good!

Day 2

All day: This is ridiculous. I don't even drink that much Diet Coke. This shouldn't be this hard. How many do I usually have a day? One? I'm sure I've never had more than one ever. I would remember if I drank a lot of it, right? Unless I have Diet Coke related dementia then I wouldn't remember it. That's not funny. No, I am sure I have never had more than one a day, maybe no more than one every couple of days! Drinking one every once in awhile is no big deal. I could do that. I could cut back to that...I mean go back to that previous pattern of drinking no more than one every once in awhile. Why should I deny myself? Because I know it's bad for me and my friends think it's poison. Fine. I won't have any. I will drink this club soda with lime and then, on my way to get Zeca at camp, I will get coffee. Are you happy, brain?

Day 3

Morning: I never drank Diet Coke in the morning so why am I even thinking about it right now?

Afternoon: This is stupid...worse than the time I went vegan just because I was bored.

That's it so far. I've only made it three days and have lost a tiny bit of my will to live but I'm sure I'll rally! I have to rally. Seriously. Someone help me rally.