Ugly Kittens

Several weeks ago, I was at the pet store with the kids and there were kittens available for adoption. There were two adorable black and white kittens that seemed to say, "Hi! What are you doing? It's so great to see you! We love people and would like to live with you and bring our cuteness to your house!" There was also an orange tabby with asymmetrical markings and a bad attitude that seemed to say, "I hate people in general and you specifically. Please do not look at me as you are not worthy of my attention." Zeca and I said that if we could adopt another kitten, we would take one of the cute black and white kittens. Miguel said he would adopt the ugly orange tabby because he worried that no one would want it. Yes, he has a tender heart and that's why I know that he'll spend his entire life saying something like, "No! That's not a hairless three legged rat with a growling lisp! That's my cat!" to every person who visits his home.

This all came back to me today when I was introduced to Kitten War, a site where you vote on the cutest kitten in an endless stream of match ups. I voted for a few kittens and then realized how many ugly kittens there are in the world.

That experience inspired the following poem that was composed on Written? Kitten:

Ode to an Ugly Kitten

I see you, Kitten With your fuzzy face and tiny nose and shiny eyes Your tiny paws that claw at the heart But I have to say - You are an ugly kitten. I didn't think such a thing was possible But you proved me wrong. Now I am sad and also angry Because you had only one job, Kitten - To be cute. And you effed it up. I will now call you Disappointment Kitten Because that is what now claws at my heart You need to up your game. You cannot rest on your feline laurels And assume the world will bow before you. Get on it.

For those who aren't familiar with Written? Kitten, you set a word count goal and then you get a picture of a kitten when you hit that goal. I set a goal of 100 words and my poem came in at 112 and you know what happened? I didn't get my kitten! You know what else happened? Wordpress ate the first draft of this post! Kittens are trying to suppress the truth!

The House on Insomnia Street

Sleep Deprivation and Anxiety met at a party and it was love at first sight. Sleep Deprivation saw Anxiety reaching for and then hesitating and then reaching again for the prosciutto-wrapped figs. Sleep Deprivation has notoriously bad judgment and found it adorable and asked Anxiety out on a date. Of course, Anxiety wasn't sure and worried that Sleep Deprivation only liked her for her body but somehow one date turned into many and now they go hand in hand. Not surprisingly, they are a terrible couple. For years, their friends advised them to break up because they wouldn't listen and then one day they woke up in matching denim vests with two children and a house on Insomnia Street that they can't afford.

They didn't literally wake up because they never sleep. It's a metaphor. Ride the wave.

Their two kids are impossible. Mania is loud and wears Hammer pants and giant wings made from upcycled Target bags and is all, "I AM GOING TO BUILD A ROCKET IN THE BACKYARD MADE FROM TAMPAX, COTTAGE CHEESE CONTAINERS AND BIC LIGHTERS!" Inertia wants nothing to do with that and is happy to lie on the couch in sweatpants and a t-shirt eating Doritos from the pile on his belly.

The Slanxiety family is unbearable, primarily because they only bring chips and salsa to the neighborhood potlucks. Anxiety can't decide what to bring and if she left it to Sleep Deprivation, they'd bring Ho Ho's which would be utterly embarrassing. Mania wants to make individual Baked Alaskas for 100 and shoot them at guests from a canon while Inertia just wants to watch Netflix and have pizza delivered. It's amazing that they ever leave the house at all.

How do I know all this? Because I have been living with them for the past few weeks. I've spent time with them before and hanging out with Mania is the only thing that makes it worth it--Mania is a hoot! But this time, Mania wasn't there. I heard she was in Canada making a life-size replica of the Eiffel Tower out of paper clips.

Insomnia is bad but parenting a kid with insomnia is much worse and that's what we've been doing recently. Without sleep, I couldn't seem to write or do much of anything really.

We have figured out part of the issue and are working on it and are sleeping more and my brain is starting to work again. I'm having ideas! My first idea was to run my Twitter account from my hoodie's perspective. My second idea was this post. I said I was having ideas...but I didn't promise they were good ones.

So, hello! I'm back! Would you like a fig?

Photo Credit: frankieleon via photopin cc