Tanning Tips for the Fair-Skinned

The snow and cold are but a distant memory and the sun is out and it's hot and summer has finally arrived! Summer means kids' games and trips to the park and bike rides and swimming and all of those require that you step outside of your house but "outside of your house" is also where the sun lives so I'm here today to give some tanning tips for my fellow fair-skinned people. 1. Always sit in full sun. Tell yourself things like, "I won't burn because it's cool today!" and "I'll just sit in the shadow cast by that lone cloud!" Never mind that this shows a basic lack of understanding of how sun works, this will give you the best start to your summer burn!

2. Wear a t-shirt and socks. Fashion over function always! This apparel will guarantee you the best tan lines ever and everyone will covet your farmer's tan. Biceps and feet are meant to be the color of raw chicken! Don't worry - slapping sunscreen on those ankles and sticking your bare feet in the sun will not even it out. Those tan lines are there for the summer! C'est chic!

3. Don't wear sunscreen. Sunscreen is the voice of the oppressor. Sunscreen's sole purpose is to throw you off your burn and peel cycle. Sunscreen is for pussies and you are a rebel! Stay strong! Burn baby burn.

4. If you must wear sunscreen, apply it haphazardly. Random swaths of white skin or handprints are hawt.

5. Wear really good sunglasses - the bigger the better. Sunglasses protect your eyes and when you take them off, you will look like a raccoon! Who doesn't love a raccoon? Adorable.

6. Do not wear a hat. Scalps are meant to burn - what other reason would we have to scratch our heads all summer?

7. If you burn, take a selfie and send it to your friends. Ignore any advice they give you about aloe. You got this.

You are now prepared for summer! Get out there and enjoy yourself! You are going to look and feel fabulous!

PHOTO CREDITS: VIKKI REICH

100 Days of Pushups

I had a thing for Sarah Connor in Terminator 2. There is a scene when she's exhausted and injured and she reloads her shotgun with one arm and my god - I wanted her arms. When I was in my 20's, I thought I might be able to have arms like that, though I must have imagined I would obtain them through sorcery because I never did anything to work towards that goal. I am now a middle-aged mother of two and I have made peace with the fact that I will never have Sarah Connor's arms. But, maybe I could have a little more strength and that's good too, right?

So, when Alexandra mentioned this 100 Day Pushup Challenge thingamabob, I said I'd do it. 100 days of doing pushups - no set goal of how many, just do pushups every day.

Today was Day 1 and I'm left with some questions…all hypothetical, of course.

1. What if you can only do four pushups?

2. What if you collapse on the floor and your cat is so concerned for your well-being that she drags her lazy ass over to sniff at your immobilized body?

3. How many pushups could an out of shape mom do, if an out of shape mom could do pushups?

4. Do you have to touch your nose to the floor for it to count or is it enough to go without a bra and say it counts if anything touches the floor?

5. Could we conquer these pushups instead?

These are important questions with important answers. I will wait for your guidance but until then - one day down, 99 to go.

Have Fun

I have been a freelance writer for over a year now but I am still figuring out how to stay sane. I spend a lot of time during the day sitting in front of my computer while Luisa sits in front of hers but, when she is gone, I might go a few days without having any real life adult interaction. Texting is a great way to stay connected to friends but it can't be the only connection. Sometimes, you need to get out of the house and do something silly with a friend - have lunch or coffee and have some laughs. Sometimes, a writer needs to go out into the world and forget about narrative arcs and commas. I did that yesterday. I had lunch and coffee with a friend and then went shopping…for nothing in particular. When the day was over, neither of us had purchased a single thing but we shared plenty of laughs. And, if I hadn't gotten out of the house, I wouldn't have been able to share some of the absurdity of real life with you here today...

Who doesn't want to smell like smoked meat? Armpits are delicious.

Why leave a horse head in someone's bed when you can gay it up with a unicorn head?

Beware the crow and her friend, the pigeon.

When the outside matches the inside...

How can life not seem better when these exist?

And sometimes, we find messages in the most unlikely places. Heed the lesson of the coconut, people.