Fox Faux News

Last night, a Minneapolis woman set fire to herself after trying to melt all the snow surrounding her home with a flame thrower. The victim, 45-year-old Vikki Reich (pictured at left during happier times), had lived in Minnesota for 22 years and had yet to adapt to the harsh winters. Friends say that she complained about the cold and snow constantly. "I think she just snapped," said Galit Breen of Eagan, "I knew she was struggling this winter but didn't know how much." In recent weeks, neighbors had seen her display increasingly unusual behavior. Jacqueline Frost said, "I saw her wandering around in her back yard one night, wearing a headlamp and muttering to herself. She always seemed like a nice lady but something was definitely off lately." Another neighbor, Lars Gunderson, said he had seen her in what appeared to be a wrestling match with her neck warmer and snow shovel. He said, "These winters aren't for everyone, ya know?"

They obviously aren't because last night, at approximately 7:45 p.m., Ms. Reich took matters into her own hands with deadly consequences. An investigation by the Minneapolis Police revealed that Ms. Reich went into her garage at 7:30 p.m. and took a flame thrower she had recently purchased through Amazon.com and began to circle her home, aiming it at snow drifts. It appears that she had cleared the side yard and was working on the front yard went something went terribly wrong and her down coat caught fire. A spokesperson for REI said, "Down jackets are not typically flammable but damn! Goose feathers smell like s#%& when they burn!" Investigators suggest that, after her coat caught fire, Ms. Reich attempted to pat it out with her gloves which also caught fire and then the flames quickly spread. A neighbor who wished to remain anonymous called 911 after hearing screaming and then looked out the window to see the victim engulfed in flames. The neighbor said, "Such a tragedy but it's fitting. Her favorite book was David Sedaris' 'When You Are Engulfed in Flames.'"

Ms. Reich leaves behind her partner, two children and one spoiled cat. A memorial service will be held in Cancun, Mexico.

To the Parents Who Love Snow Days

Last night, as the announcements of school closings began to pour in, I remained optimistic. Our kids go to private school and there is no bus service so they do not have to wait outside on street corners. Our school would not close! I would drive our kids to school as I do every morning! We would not let the cold defeat us!

I was texting with Tracy and Galit at the time.

Vikki: Minneapolis and St. Paul schools just announced they are closed tomorrow due to wind chill.

Tracy: #%&! This is stupid. We live in Minnesota!

Galit: Eagan now closed too.

My translation of Galit's text: Eagan is closed! Snow day! All the fun things!

Then, Galit said, "Let's write open letters to each other about loving/hating school cancellations!"

So, here ya go...

Dear Parent who Likes Snow Days,

I like you. I do. I just don't understand you. You seem like a normal person and then a snow day is called and you are all smiles. I worry that you don't understand how snow days work so I am going to explain them to you.

When school is cancelled, the kids stay home with you.

If your response to this information is still, "Yay!" I am going to assume one of the following:

1. You are being sarcastic.

2. You work outside the home.

3. You have a nanny.

4. You have better meds than I do.

5. The kids have tied you up and are answering for you.

There can be no other explanation. However, in order for us to understand each other, I will explain why my reaction is not "Yay!" but "F@#!":

1. I do not want to be a short order cook.

2. I need to write and cannot write while people cry about broken bands in their Rainbow Looms.

3. I like to go to the bathroom by myself.

4. I feel guilty if I let my kids watch movies or play video games all day but - oh my god - all the talking.

5. I have to share my snacks.

So, I hope you can understand where I'm coming from and, if you can't sympathize because you are busy making hot cocoa for your blanket fort, please…please…can I drop my kids off at your house? Just for the day. Unless school is cancelled again tomorrow.

Sincerely,

Vikki

Summoning the Muse

I am a serious writer and I write very serious things. I am also a person who wants to help other writers because I am a kind and generous person. So, I am going to give you a peek into my own writing process with the hope that you might be able to find wisdom in my example. I have an essay due tomorrow and, today, I needed to spin gold from straw. That's a saying, right? If not, I just made it up! See - writer!

So, how do I summon the Muse? Here is my advice based on my own experience today:

1. Sit down at desk. Stare out the window and notice the window is dirty. Tell yourself that cleaning the window would be a waste of your writing time so clean your glasses instead.
2. Spin chair from left to right while staring at the computer screen. Spin 360 degrees but only once because serious writers do not spin in their chairs like children.
3. Stare at screen and lick your lips. Your lips are chapped. Go find some lip balm.
4. Apply lip balm generously. Spin one more time in chair because you forgot you already spun in the chair.
5. Go downstairs and get a can of sparkling water and then return to your desk.
6. Drink sparkling water and play one game of Candy Crush. Only one.
7. Okay...play two games of Candy Crush.
8. Google "Level 245 Candy Crush is killing me" and feel at one with the citizens of the internet.
9. Write 159 words. Reread those words over and over until you hate them.
10. Delete 147 words because the other 12 are brilliant!
11. Where's the cat? Find the cat and wake it up and give it unwanted kisses.
12. Reread the 12 words. Realize they are horrible. You are a hack! Those are the worst 12 words ever written! Delete the 12 words.
13. Text a friend to tell her how much you hate what you are writing.
14. Visit calm.com and watch rolling waves and then think about downloading the app on your phone.
15. Pick up your phone to download the app and notice you have a new life in Candy Crush! Resist the temptation. Put the phone out of reach.
16. Stare at computer screen and then, when you hear screaming, mediate a fight between children. Source of fight? Stolen stick of gum. Tell the children to be quiet because you are writing!
17. Write 223 words. You are hitting your stride! Don't stop now!
18. While staring at your hands on the keyboard, notice that your nails are long. Trim nails. While in the bathroom, redo your hair.
19. Notice it's cold. Ponder the age-old question - blanket or poncho? The answer is always blanket because you don't have a poncho. Ponchos are funny. Giggle about ponchos.
20. Remember that you promised to blog every day. Stop working on the essay and blog!
21. Try to remember what you were doing...