Post-op Blogging

I had minor surgery yesterday. I can write about it now because it's over and everything is fine and nobody has to feel obligated to worry or say, "OMG What's wrong?" or "Are you okay?" or "Do you have extra pain meds to share?" I'm only writing about it because it led to some funny little stories and you know I can't resist a funny little story. That said, I will also admit that I'm still feeling groggy and weird today even though I am drug-free so I have no idea if any of this will make sense or be funny to anyone but me. Is that enough of a disclaimer? Hopefully.

So...

1. When I had my pre-op phone call with the nurse, she gave me a list of instructions like "take a shower before surgery", "don't use deodorant", "don't wear any jewelry", "bring your insurance card and ID", "bring your living will", and "leave valuable personal belongings at home."

I said, "I have to ask a stupid question." She gave the predictable response, "There are no stupid questions." I said, "Well, I really want to have my phone with me but my partner will be joining me later so I won't be able to hand it off to her." She said, "Oh no. You shouldn't bring your phone." I did not like this answer and I realized that I was more upset about her telling me that I couldn't bring my phone than I was about the fact that she told me to bring my living will. Blog life priorities!

2. When I was getting prepped for surgery, I was sitting with the admitting nurse filling out paperwork and answering questions. As is my usual modus operandi, I was trying to engage her and make her laugh so that I would be her favorite patient of the day. People pleasing is serious biz, y'all. She was a tough cookie though, very professional and very Minnesotan which meant that she was resistant to my charm. Finally, I said, "Sharon. I gotta ask you about this deodorant thing. Why would they tell me I couldn't wear deodorant when they'll be working on my uterus. I mean, if they are in my arm pits, they are seriously off course."

And with that, I broke through.

She laughed hysterically and then proceeded to retell my little joke to the endless stream of people that came into the room. I won. It's always good to win pre-op!

3. When I woke up after surgery, I remember only two things that Luisa said.

"I have pictures of your uterus!"

"I fixed a typo in your blog post."

Such is the life of a blogger.

4. Last night, I was still a little dopey but I was helping Zeca write a letter to her friend when we had the following exchange.

Zeca: "How do you spell represents?"

Vikki: "R-e-p-r-e-s..."

Zeca: "Mama? You stopped."

Vikki: "Oh sorry. "s..."

Zeca: "Another 's'?"

Vikki: "What? No. Only one 's'."

Zeca: "Mama, did the surgery take out all your thoughts?"

It would seem so.

So, there you have it. All my funny stories from the day...or at least the ones I can remember.

And let's all be thankful that I have returned to my right mind (mostly) and did not set the featured image of this post to one of those pictures of my uterus that Luisa was so excited about.

PHOTO CREDIT:UNIVERSITY OF MINNESOTA

Arctic Fox

As I sat down to blog, my internet went down. I could not connect and I began to panic. My internal monologue went as follows: "Am I going to blow this blog every day goal on January 6th?"

"See! You never finish anything!"

"You could blog from your phone!"

"But I don't want to because I didn't sleep last night and I can't blog on my phone with only one eye open because the keyboard is too small!"

"Quitter!"

"I am going to crawl into my warm bed..."

And when I crawled into my warm bed, my internet came back up! It was a polar vortex miracle!

So, in honor of this horrible cold snap that we all keep talking about, I am going to give you three haiku as an offering.

1.

no school tomorrow

can togetherness kill you?

i think it just might.

2.

watch boiling water

turn into snow in midair

we are simple folk

3.

the white arctic fox

is my spirit animal

we share the same hair

Stay warm. Stay in bed. That's where the internet works the best.

FEATURED PHOTO CREDIT: NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC

Life Hacks for Kids

It's so boring being a kid (so I hear) and idle hands are the devil's workshop (so they say) which means that life can get pretty interesting around here. The kids were supposed to go back to school tomorrow but school was cancelled because the air temperature will be skin-falling-off-below-zero.

This means we get an extra day of togetherness!

If you have ever wondered what it is really like at the Casa de Fox, I am sharing what can only be called Life Hacks for Kids courtesy of my kids' wacky behavior.

Make a chocolate Lego brick!

Take a piece of aluminum foil and mold it around a Lego brick. Fill the aluminum mold with chocolate chips. Place in microwave until you have your own personal fireworks show in the kitchen! Don't tell your parents. Remove hot metal Lego brick filled with molten chocolate and place in freezer. Forget about it for days. When you finally ask to have it for dessert, plead the fifth when asked how it was made.

Use Pledge as air freshener!

Do you have an inability to tolerate any human smells but you don't have any air freshener? Use "dust stuff" because it smells like lemons and lemons smell so fresh and no one should ever smell anything but lemons ever! Spray Pledge directly into the air so that it falls in a fine mist over everything in the bathroom. Then, watch as your sister and parents slip and slide on the tile in your homemade lemon-scented wonderland!

Play live-action fruit ninja!

Maybe you do martial arts. Maybe you recently won a real katana for selling the most raffle tickets for your dojang. If so, you have everything you need to play real life fruit ninja in your living room! First, make sure that your parents are busy. Second, get your sister to film it so that you can post it on Instagram. Then, take an orange from the pantry and throw it into the air and try to hack it in half with your sword. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Eventually, you may have to settle for laying the orange on the living room floor and hacking it in half. Once you are finished, skedaddle back to your room but leave the halved orange on the radiator so that it can leak orange juice all over the place!

I hope that everyone's winter break was as fun-filled as ours! Now, can we all do an anti-snow/warm-up dance so everyone goes back to school on Tuesday?