The Untold Hardships of Bi-tech Relationships

Since January of 2012, Luisa and I have been dealing with a very serious issue in our relationship. No, it is not the fact that she slurps her coffee when she's distracted with the iPad in the morning.

No, it's not that I continue to leave a secret pile of dirty clothes on my side of the bed.

No.

We've been dealing with the fact that we are a in a longterm, bi-tech relationship.

Prior to that fateful day in 2012, Luisa and I both had Blackberry phones. She had one through her job and I had two - one through my job and a personal one so that I could goof off without my activity being tracked.

We exchanged bon mots* via Blackberry messenger and we spoke the same phone language. We would skip through meadows of wildflowers, our Blackberrys held towards the sky and, with a knowing smile, we'd say, "Is your track ball sticking too?"**

It was a time of great harmony but limited capability.

After I switched to the iPhone, my life changed dramatically. I had quick and easy access to the internet! I could Instagram! I could watch videos more reliably! I could listen to Nicki Minaj!

I held the world in my hand.

I was drunk with gadget power though it was sobering that I had left Luisa behind and our text messages were a constant reminder. Our exchanges were forever tainted by the lime green bubbles of text messages instead of iMessages.***

Of course, there were other problems too. Our calendars could not synch.  She constantly asked to use my phone for directions and to access iPhone-only apps for our kids' soccer teams and I did not like sharing. She couldn't look at my Instagram pictures and help monitor our son's Instagram account. And, I shudder when I say this, she could not play Candy Crush on her phone.

We were straddling a cultural divide.

I knew she was jealous of the endless virtual opportunities I held in my hand. I could tell by the way she'd look at me that she too wanted to experience the touch-screen life, swiping her way through app after app. She eventually got a fancy new Blackberry  with a touch screen but it still wasn't the same.

We were struggling under the unique challenges of our bi-tech relationship but the technology gods heard our prayers and, last week, Luisa received word that she would be receiving a new phone - an iPhone 5c!

Her new phone arrived yesterday and we are at peace. We can speak a common language once again and the world is now as it should be . How do I know? The blue bubbles of iMessage tell me so.****

When asked what I was most looking forward to now that Luisa has an iPhone, I said "It will be easier for her to share her work calendar with me!" But what I really love most are those blue bubbles. The blue bubbles are so pretty.

*Our mots are rarely bon as evidenced by the screencaps of our text conversations.

**I have never seen Luisa skip...through a meadow or otherwise.

***Luisa was the only green bubbler in my text list and it bugged me. Also, the green is so jarring!

****Yes, we really are the world's most boring texters.

Kids Are Funny - Part 6

This is the last installment of the Kids Are Funny Series. Find the others by clicking One, Two, Three, Four and Five.

I have loved these posts so much because they are such good reminders of the laughter my kids bring into my life. It's not easy raising humans. It's tiring and frustrating and, most times, a thankless job.

These funny quotes are like little gifts and documenting them helps me keep the best stuff close to me.

All these were taken from the Twitter from 2013. There have probably been funny things since I did the big archive download because my kids are an endless source of amusement but those will have to wait for another time.

Until then, enjoy the last of the wackiness from Miguel and Zeca...

Luisa: "Take your pillow upstairs." Miguel: "But there are candy wrappers in my pillow case." (2013)

 Zeca "Would you agree that more moms take their kids to the pool than dads?" Miguel "Or maybe all these women are lesbians." (2013)

 Upon losing the championship game, Miguel said, "What a waste of a weekend. Think how much math homework I could have finished." (2013)

Me: "Wake up! I have a surprise for you - SNOW!" Miguel: "I hate that surprise." Zeca: "Oh god." (2013)

In discussing the lack of effort on math homework this week, Miguel said, "I know what I want to be when I grow up - an illusionist!" (2013)

Miguel: "Know what would be awesome? If there were giant cherries that you could eat like apples." (2013)

Miguel: "Think we'll have a woman president in 4 years?" Me: "I hope so. Are you ready?" Miguel: "Who isn't?" (2013)

Miguel: "I love you so much." Me: "I love you too baby." Miguel: "That's nice but I was talking to the cat." (2013)

Me (about Valentine's): "What if your girlfriend liked poetry?" Miguel: "First of all, I would never have a girlfriend that likes poetry..." (2013)

Miguel (waving hand): I have a habit of doing this. Zeca: Why? Miguel: I don't know...jazz hands I guess. (2013)

Miguel: "The girls treat the school hallway like a red carpet runway." Said after standing in front of the mirror messing with his hair. (2013)

"The fact that they think there is even a small chance that megalodons still exist just makes me happy." Zeca loves her some giant sharks. (2013)

"Beavers are gangsters." Zeca has deep thoughts. (2013)

Zeca: "I'll be outside. Call me when my cappuccino is ready." I'm doomed. (2013)

Zeca: "Mom, there is like a million snows outside." (2013)

Zeca: "You know how there is Listen To Your Mother? You could make your own show called Give Me My Phone!" (2013)

Zeca: "Guess what my favorite video game is!" Me: "Sims?" Zeca: "Nope. Cuddling you." (2013)

Zeca (age 7): "Did Neil Armstrong have a brother? It's not that other Armstrong guy who took drugs is it?" (2013)

Me: Who unraveled the toilet paper? This has Zeca written all over it! Zeca: I didn't write my name on it! (2013)

If the Axe doesn't kill you...

Miguel loves to sing. He always has. When he was five, he saw the musical "Oklahoma" and then woke us every morning at 5 a.m. for a week singing, "Ooooooklahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plain..." at full volume. Every morning, we'd jump out of bed frightened and confused and then calm down and remember that it was just Miguel before he got to the waving wheat smelling sweet.

He sings. He talks. He never stops moving. Our life with him has been one of constant sound and motion.  If I had to describe him in cartoon characters, I'd say he is like the Tasmanian Devil combined with Alvin of the Chipmunks combined with Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes. Sounds adorable, right? Well, he is even though we spend a great deal of times saying, "Shhhh...we're right here..."

I'd always heard that boys calm down as they head towards those teenage years. Aren't boys supposed to laze around and sleep more? Aren't they supposed to become laconic?

In other words, shouldn't my life be getting calmer and quieter now that my son is almost 13?!

Because it's isn't.

He still talks constantly and asks every question that pops into his head and he still sings. He comes in like a Wrecking Ball every morning and no one warned me about the beatboxing.

So much beatboxing.

If the Axe Body Spray doesn't kill me, the beatboxing just might.

But I am happy that he still talks to me. We must be doing something right.

Everything I learned about talking to kids, I learned from my own. They are pretty good teachers. Head on over to VillageQ where I'm giving pointers for parents on talking to their kids about everything, including sex.