Caffeine and Common Sense: A Modern Day Story Problem

If train A leaves station X at 5:30 p.m. and is traveling east at 27 miles per hour and train B leaves station Y at 7:10 p.m. traveling west at 19 miles per hour and the engineer of train A is wearing brown shoes while the engineer of train B is wearing black shoes but a brown belt. At what time do engineer A and engineer B meet to talk about their footwear and accessories? I always hated story problems. I could never wrap my mind around them and would often end up weeping in frustration. When I wasn't weeping, I was stomping around the house bemoaning the fact that I was going to fail algebra which would keep me from graduating from high school which would keep me from graduating from college which would guarantee that I would end up working in the food court at the mall for the rest of my life. So much hung in the balance with those freakin' trains!

A series of events transpired last night and, as I was trying to think about ways to tell you about them, I realized that the best way to convey what happened would be through a story problem. So, let's explore this modern day story problem:

Person A is tired. Person B is tired as well. Person A has 6 things to do in 5 days and person B has 9 things to do in 5 days. Person A has X amount of energy and person B has 1/4 of that amount. Person A then goes to do one of the things on her list and, while doing that, buys person B a grande latte. When person A returns, she gives person B the latte and person B sets the latte on the front radiator. Approximately 1 hours passes before person B remembers the latte. Person B then drinks the latte at 5:30 p.m. and eats 4 chocolate chip cookies. At approximately 11 p.m., person A and person B go to bed. Person A pulls up the covers, says goodnight and rolls over. Person B does not feel tired. Person A is facing east. Person B faces east as well and pokes person A 11 times. Person A finds this mildly amusing for approximately 3 minutes. Person A then tells person B to stop. Person B stops but then begins jumping up and down on the bed at a rate of 4 jumps per second while laughing maniacally.

Now, here are the questions relevant to this problem:

1. How many minutes does it take for person A mood to turn sour?

2. How long does person B jump on the bed before incurring the wrath of person A?

3. How many times does person A have to tell person B to stop before person B recognizes that she can't?

4. After person B leaves the bedroom, how long does she sit on the couch watching You Tube videos?

5. What times does person B finally fall asleep?

6. Are person A and person B still in a committed and loving relationship?

Good luck and make sure to show your work!

Lessons from the PTA

The third annual meeting of Pinky Tuscadero's Assassins (PTA) was held at Oak Lake (near Webster, Wisconsin) over Memorial Day weekend. Who are the Assassins? I can't tell you obviously. In the past, we have gathered in New Hampshire and I have shared some stories with you. I planned to write about this year's meeting sooner but  I have only recently recovered.

Everyone converged on Minneapolis on 5/27/11 and I rented a tricked out maxi-van for our trip to the cabin. Normally, the trip takes 2 hours and and we generally travel with two children. This time, the trip took 3 1/2 hours. People were hungry and needed to stop for Happy Meals and then M&M's and then we had to stop for Doritos and Cheetos. By the time we arrived at the cabin, we decided that we would didn't really need dinner so we had caipirhinas, beer, gin an tonics and Velveeta cheese dip isntead. I have to say that - much to my surprise - it worked out surprisingly well for us.

The next day, we planned to take the pontoon boat out for the day. So, we packed a cooler with ice, vodka, gin, rum, beer and Diet Coke and juice. We grabbed a few bags of Cheetos and headed down to the dock.

The boat wouldn't start.

Does a silly thing like that ruin a PTA Booze Cruise? No, it does not. Over the next 4 hours, we drank and listented to music and ate an impressive amount of Doritos and tried starting the engine every 15 minutes. We also took 324 pictures. I learned a few things from this booze cruise:

1. Never let the person who started drinking at 10 a.m. take charge of the camera. If you do, this will happen:

2. When you take that many pictures, you can essential play them as a slideshow and it looks like flip book. To protect the innocent, I will not include the series of pictures that show an epic ass grab, boob flashing or an acrobatic trick done in an unflattering swimsuit.

3. There is a colorful and rather disgusting Iowa saying that goes, "The dog that shits fast, can't last." This means that when you start drinking at 10 a.m., you will be asleep by 5 p.m. I would LOVE to post the pictures of our sleepers but I am essentially a kind person.

On the second day, the boat was soaking wet so we did our midday drinking on the dock. I learned many more valuable lessons that day:

1. If you get a splinter in your hand, do not try to dig it out with a dull knife...especially if you've been in the gin.

2. Hold onto your drink so that you don't drop the whole damn thing in a 4 pound bag of M&M's.

3. Gin-soaked M&M's do not taste as good as you might imagine.

4. When someone is trying to help you get a splinter out, be nice to them. Keep insults to a minimum. Also, operating a video camera under the influence of caiprinhas can be hazardous.

The video below provides supporting evidence for #4 but you should watch at your own risk. I was unable to edit the video sufficiently so it's long and boring in places. Also - Rated R for an F bomb:

So much learning in one weekend!

Dear Past Self

Several weeks ago, I ran across a note written by Miguel that read:

Dear futer self,

Hi it's me past self. You are so lucky you know stuff I don't know.

Your pal,

past self

I thought about this little note recently when I had a horrible day at work. It made me smile because - hello - cuteness. It also made me think about my 16 year old self working at a soda fountain which was a great gig. So, I decided to write a letter to my 16 year old self.

Dear Sixteen Year Old Vikki,

I don't want to freak you out but this is a letter from you at 42. I know - you get old! I just wanted to give you a very important piece of advice. Ready?

Stop thinking about what you should do with your life and think about what you want to do with your life.  

Trust yourself.

That's really all I wanted to say but, since I have your attention, I'd like to give you a few more quick pointers:

• Keep that job at Zarda's as long as you can. That is a good gig. The work is easy and fun and you get free ice cream. What's not to like? Also, eat more ice cream. You'll gain weight someday anyway so don't spend so much time worrying about it.
• Cut your hair. Better to be a short-haired girl in a sea of long-haired girls than to be a poodle/girl hybrid in a sea of long-haired girls. Seriously - do it today.
• Your boyfriend is gay and so are you. If you doubt me, examine your feelings about Belinda Carlile. You don't really want to be Belinda Carlile. You want to do Belinda Carlile. Am I right? I think I am.
• Embrace your quirks. They make you interesting. Also, they are permanent. Sorry - the truth hurts.
• Let mom buy you that orange Karmann Ghia! I know you think it's a weird car but you will appear so much cooler to your future friends if you go with that rather than the Fiat. Mom will be wrong about a lot of things but she is so right about that car!

That's all for now. I have to go ice my sciatica and take out my teeth. Ha! I'm just kidding - 42 isn't that old!

With love,

42 year old Vikki