Coffee Bender

I've been gone for a few days because I went on a coffee bender and am just now recovering. It all started Wednesday when I spent the day working myself into an anxious frenzy over the fact that the Foreword orientation at the Loft was later that night. I got up that morning and drank a couple of cups of coffee as usual. Then, I decided to have a big soy latte around lunch time. When I got to the orientation, I was so afraid that I was going to nervously ramble at someone or say something so completely crazy that time would stop that I decided the best way to avoid that was to stuff my mouth. The appetizers didn't appeal to me so I ended up stuffing my mouth with coffee. So much coffee! I got through the orientation and only referred to myself as a "weirdo" once and only laughed inappropriately twice (though I was able to cover the laughter by throat clearing and a slight cough). When the meeting was over, I was so antsy that I dashed out of the room and decided to take the back stairs. That's how I ended up lost in the basement. Fortunately, a staff person found me and let me out a secret back door. I made it to my car and jumped inside and completely lost it. I laughed until tears were running down my face and I would have sat there like that for a long time had it not been so cold that the tears started to freeze. When I arrived home, I excitedly told Luisa stories from the evening and laughed hysterically while she sat quietly and stared at me. Then, I was like, "I HAVE HAD A LOT OF COFFEE!" It would have been a great time to clean the grout with a toothbrush or rebuild the foundation of our house by hand using only found objects and a putty knife but I did not. I wasted the high tweeting that I was certain that I could outrun a cheetah and demanding people bring me cheetahs. It turns out that I act the same way on coffee as I do on whiskey but with less dancing. Not surprisingly, I couldn't sleep that night. Then, last night, I had to get up with a kid in the night. So now, I'm super tired. Maybe I should get some coffee. Anyway...I didn't meant to disappear and I will try to keep writing regularly. Have a great weekend and may it be filled with sedentary cheetahs.

Does Ali Have a "Way Back"?

About a week ago, we pondered the question, "What's in your trunk?" and you all felt very passionately about your trunk contents and shared all the details in the comments. During the discussion, Anne casually mentioned that she keeps her kids in the trunk:

My kids are in the trunk. No, seriously, I drive a Volvo station wagon, and the trunk (which we call the “way back”, as opposed to the plain old “back”) has pop-up seats that face backwards (and trusty Volvo shoulder/lap seat belts).

This made Ali ponder the possible existence of seats in her Volvo:

I, too, have a Volvo station wagon. Do I then also have two seats in the trunk?

Since then, a few of you have been waiting to find out if Ali does, in fact, have seats in her way back. Today, I badgered her into answering this lingering question and she responded with the following e-mails...

E-mail #1

My dear Vikki - I forward you these photos as the first part of my answer as to whether or not I have a way back.

The first photo? My Volvo. Like Anne's, it is a cross-country wagon. Unlike Anne's it is not a 2001. It is a little newer, but I honestly have no idea what year. 2007? 2008? 2009? We bought it used, so it's unlikely to be later. I don't know. Yes, it's my car. Yes, I should know. I do not.

The second photo? What my Volvo looks like in the way back. Note the sleds. Note the snowshoes. Note the dirty blankets. Note the penguin in a tutu, the children's artwork, the paper bag filled with old coffee cups. There are other things, as well. I found a tie-dying kit. Several pairs of sunglasses. A random sandal. Two torn boxes of tissues.

Now, to check on the way back, I had to unload all of that. All of it: the sleds, snowshoes, dirty blankets, penguin in a tutu, children's artwork, coffee cups, tie-dying kit, sunglasses, sandal, tissues. All. But I did.

It took some effort to slide the fancy mat out, then the rug underneath. It was made especially difficult, because there was a dog gate clipped in and it kept catching the fancy mat out. I was in the process of doing this when I realized that I had lost my keys during the process of unloading all that stuff from the back of my car.

Cue intermission music now. Several days pass during which I cannot find my keys. I search through the garbage, I search under the seats, I search every pocket I have. During these days, I use Blair's key to this car. We are both terrified that I will lose this one key. He asks me repeatedly, "have you found your keys?" I have not. The sun rises, the sun sets.

Then one day it occurs to me to check the dirty blankets, which are now on a shelf in the garage. Sure enough, my keys were scooped up with them when I removed them from the car. Phew.

So today, prompted by your note, Buddy and I head outside, do battle with the dog gate. Slide out the plastic mat, slide out the carpet.

AND JUST LIKE ANNE SAID, THERE IS A BREAK, RIGHT THERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CAR.

 To be concluded in the next email. Cue intermission music again.

 

 E-mail #2:

I begin imagining the email I'm going to send you, about how your blog makes many laugh, and inspires many, and reminds us all to cherish the moments with our children, and reminds others that parents are parents and people are people, regardless of whether it is mom-dad family or a mom-mom family or what have you, but all that aside, your blog has just changed my life, because I HAVE A WAY BACK.

My heart is thumping.

So I lift the first handle: it is a narrow compartment for storing a car jack. It is empty. A car jack is not a part of my emergency kit.

But the second handle: I lift the second handle. Here, I do not find car seats. I find a space for a spare tire. The tire is there. It is of little use without the jack, but at least I have something on my list: car jack. Must get car jack.

As far as I can tell, there are no car seats. My heart, she is crushed a little. A few moments ago, I believed that I had a way back. My hopes have been shaken. The only one who can ride safely in the way back is Buddy, and he prefers to jump into the front seat anyway.

Note, there is a several-minutes process of convincing Buddy to get off of the mat and the rug, which are on the ground in the middle of the snow.

It is a disappointment. But it is what it is. I do not have a way back. The answer is no.

So, Ali's car doesn't have a way back but the story does have a happy ending - the trunk of her car is now clean. To erase the sad conclusion to the Way Back Tale, check out Ali's awesome new book and Anne's super cool handiwork.

Yoga: An Exploration of Anxiety and Rage

Things I always say I'm going to do:

  • Meditate
  • Exercise
  • Yoga

Things I never do:

  • Mediate
  • Exercise
  • Yoga

Ever the optimist, a friend asked me to join her for a beginning yoga class and I said, "Sure!" Actually, it was more like a surly, barely audible, "sure". Still, I agreed and this morning was the first class. School starts at 9 so I knew it was going to be tight getting to yoga at 9:15 but I was determined (read: too embarrassed to back out)!

Things that make me rageful:

  • Stubborn children
  • Running late

Things I dealt with this morning before yoga:

  •  Stubborn children
  • Running late

It was one of those "getyourbootsongetyourbootsonGETYOURDAMNBOOTSON" kind of mornings and we got out of the house later than I would have liked. Then, we got halfway to school and I realized we had forgotten something so I had to drive back home for that and then drive back to school and by then my jaw was clenched and I was thinking evil thoughts about every single driver of every single car in my vicinity. By the time I arrived at the gym at 9:15, I'm fairly certain I could have turned steel to dust with my bare hands.

My friend and I went to the yoga studio, peeked in and saw that the class had already started. I took this as a sign that we should go out for coffee and scones but my friend did not share my desire to bolt. I noted this character flaw and stored it in my brain for future consideration. Walking into a quiet room full of people makes me anxious. Having to take off my socks makes me anxious. My yoga agitation grew exponentially. Then, it was 55 minutes of yoga during which I am certain that I displayed the balance of a coked out monkey on roller skates. Parts of me wobbled in a most unflattering way. As we did something called "chair", I began to giggle. I'm not an ass in the air as pretend chair kinda gal. I'm an ass in an actual chair with a laptop and blackberry and Diet Coke kinda gal. I will admit that all the wobbling and ass in the airing did distract me from my rage.

Things I liked:

  • Distraction
  • I felt better about eating the banana chocolate chip muffin that I would have eaten anyway

Things I did not like:

  • The stinky man in front of me with the Jack Daniels pants
  • The instructor's repeated use of the word "we" when she should have used "you"
  • My naked feet
  • The lack of a snack bar or open bar or any kind of bar

Despite it all, I lived to salute the sun another day. Theoretically.