Dream Killer

‘Tis the season when we all open our hearts and give to others. Sure, we could do that all year around but then it wouldn’t be special. Right? Last night, Luisa and I were talking about Christmas gifts: 

Luisa: You haven’t given me any gift ideas. Vikki: I’ve given you many. I dropped hints all year long and, if you had been paying attention, you wouldn’t be having trouble finding a gift for me right now. Luisa: What hints? You haven’t given me any hints. Vikki: I’ve given you many hints. MANY HINTS. Luisa: Like what? Vikki: I’m not going to tell you because you should have been paying closer attention and I don’t want to reward inattention. Plus, if I tell you now, you’ll just go get them and that defeats the purpose of the hints. I want to be surprised. Luisa: Tell me and I promise I won’t get any of them for you. Vikki: Fine. I told you I wanted a cocktail monkey necklace. Luisa: You never told me that. Vikki: I did. Luisa: Well, maybe you told me and I dismissed it because who wants a cocktail monkey necklace?! That’s not even a real thing. Vikki: It is real. It’s a sterling silver cocktail monkey on a chain and it’s $65. Luisa (laughing maniacally): $65? For a cocktail monkey on a chain? Vikki: Are you mocking me? Luisa: Yes. Vikki: Mocking my gift idea seems like a tactical error on your part. Luisa: You don’t even wear necklaces. Vikki: Well, I was going to start wearing necklaces! I’m getting older. I need to accessorize. Luisa: You would never wear it. Vikki: I would wear it. Luisa: You wouldn’t. You would put it in your night stand and that would be it. Vikki: You are killing my dream. This is a sad day. Luisa: Uh huh. See. You are hard to buy for.

For the record, I am not hard to buy for and she is just bitter because I returned a belt and a pair of gloves she got me. That’s all I’ve returned in 17 years! SEVENTEEN YEARS. Ignore any comment she might make about a wallet because I kept the wallet. It is in my bag right now. So there.

Now, where was I? Oh yes…‘tis the season when we all open our hearts and give to others.

I Don't Want to Grow Up

INT. CAR      NIGHT It is dark and rainy. A mother takes her two children to martial arts class. The two children are in the back seat.

MIGUEL: I don't want to grow up. I am not ready to be an adult. I don't know how to pay taxes or bills. I don't even know how you get enough money to do those things.

ZECA: Yeah, me either. I don't know how to pay taxes. Also! I can't even find my way to my house.

MIGUEL: Right, I won't be able to drive because I won't know how to get anywhere.

ZECA: That's what I mean - I wouldn't even be able to find the roads to my house! I won't be able to get home by myself!

MIGUEL: I guess if I could just find my way to Target I could survive. I would be able to buy clothes and food and presents.

VIKKI: So, would you work there too?

MIGUEL: I don't know. See? I'm not ready to be an adult.

ZECA: Well, I know what kind of job I'm going to have. I'm going to have an umbrella and walk around all the sidewalks and help people.

MIGUEL: How is that helpful?

ZECA: Well, I'd find homeless people and hold the umbrella over their heads. Of course, I would only bring an umbrella if it was raining.

MIGUEL: That's good because otherwise you'd look like a loony tick walking around with an umbrella when it's not raining and, Zeca, that's not a job anyway.

VIKKI: There are people that work doing outreach to people who are homeless.

MIGUEL: Really? They probably don't just wander around on sidewalks.

ZECA: I'm just going to help people.

MIGUEL: One other thing, I'm certainly not going to be an airline pilot when I grow up. If I can't memorize all the roads, how can I possibly memorize the sky.

EXT. PARKING LOT     NIGHT

The mother and the two children exit the car and walk towards the dojang. The mother thinks that neither child will ever be ready for adulthood and wonders how she will ever escape them.

Mission Impossible

I case the joint. It is crowded, more crowded than I had anticipated. There are people everywhere. I try to pull into the parking lot non-chalantly but I feel that everyone is staring at me. Do I look suspicious? Do they know what I'm about to do? I can't dwell on that. I've planned this for days - it's now or never, do or die. There is nowhere to park. I circle the building again and again before a space finally opens up. I pull in, turn off the car and rest my head against the cold steering wheel. There is no turning back now. I take out the the tattered paper from my back pocket, the list of tasks that must be completed in order to call this mission a success. I pick up my phone and type a quick message to my loved ones in case I don't make it out alive. I fold the paper again and shove it into my coat pocket. I get out and lock the car. I try to act casually and amble into the building. Damn. I forgot my dark glasses. I can't go back. I can't because I know that I won't have the courage to try again. I grab a cart, unfold my list and forge ahead. This is it. This is Thanksgiving Grocery Shopping 2010. The aisles are packed and I spy the apples I need for pie but they are blocked by a hipster boy who's being chatted up by a hipster girl in a leopard print hat. She's talking film school and I know this could last forever. I dart to the left - can't reach. I run around the tomatoes to get to the right side of the apples. Still can't reach. The hipsters see me. Oh god, I know they see me. So, I dash over to the celery and carrots to bide my time. I'm nearly thrown off plan by an elderly woman getting overly familiar with a particularly gorgeous acorn squash but she is no match for my evasive maneuvers. I can't leave without the apples and the hipsters won't budge. I steady myself and shoot...evil stares. They must be wearing evil-stare-proof vests. They don't move. I have to do something because I see the lemons are there too and I need lemons for the turkey. I try to jam my cart through and I bump the girl and she shoots evil stars back. Then, I have to break out the big artillery - I sigh heavily and reach past them for lemons. I abandon the apples - I am no fool! Luck is on my side, however, because I see a separate display of apples that is completely unobstructed. I grab a bag and focus on procuring eggs. I screech around the corner and there, right in front of the bulk eggs, is a man stocking eggs. I raise my fist to the sky in frustration! Clearly, I am a force to be reckoned with - he steps aside and I am able to get a dozen eggs. I lay rubber as I tear towards the dairy case.  I see her immediately...the indecisive woman with the disheveled hair. She is monopolizing the heavy cream. I stand near her but I play it cool. I pretend to browse the yogurt because I don't want to spook her - the disheveled ones scare easily. She could scream and blow my cover. Rice yogurt, whole milk yogurt, greek yogurt and then - out of the corner of my eye - I see her shift and I throw open the door and grab a gallon of milk and 3 pints of heavy cream. I thrown them in the cart and proceed in great haste. Ginger, I need ginger. I spy the bulk spices but am horrified to see the hipster girl with the leopard print hat standing in my way. She turns to look and I pick up a can of pumpkin. I keep her in my sights while I stare at the pumpkin. I know I need the pumpkin but I consider it more thoughtfully than necessary so as not to alarm the hipster. She finally moves away and I rush to the ginger. My mission is nearly complete. I turn the final corner and stop to sample some cheese. Just then, I am ambushed by three children. Yes, I know them but they are calling attention to me. Then, they explain that my friend (their caregiver) is in another part of the store. I nod. They ask me to pretend to be their mother so they can get free samples of coconut macaroons. What can I do? I decide to use them as cover and escort them to the coconut macaroon sample man who says, "I'm sure you understand we can only give samples with the consent of an adult." "Of course" I say and then instruct the girls to get their samples. We walk away and linger briefly so the ruse is not discovered and then they peel off and down another aisle. I take a separate arc towards the front of the store. The lines are all full. I will not escape quickly, that is certain. So, I stop for a raspberry scone and then choose a line. As usual, I choose the slowest possible line - clever, yes? It is finally my turn to check out and the employee asks, "Are you a member? Do you have a member number?" Ha! Like I wouldn't have thought of that! "Yes, I am and here's my number." She accepts it. No alarms. No suspicion. I pay and I run for the doors. Two lesbians stand to the left and they and appear to be processing something. There are many meaningful looks, sighs and occasional comforting touches. I worry that they are a trap and I quickly look away, towards the door - towards freedom. I make it to the car and put all the bags in the trunk. I take the cart back to the entry way and then scurry to the car. The engine starts and I'm gone. Mission accomplished.