Year After Year

I recently had a birthday which means that I gained a year. Aging is like Daylight Savings Time gone wrong - instead of an hour, we gain a year but never get to give it back. We just collect them year after year. Frankly, I'd rather collect books or vintage recordings or itty bitty pencil sharpeners shaped like victrolas but I don't get to choose. Actually, I didn't have a choice about those pencil sharpeners either (this is a subliminal message that tells you that someone in my life whose name rhymes with Puhleeza once collected pencil sharpeners). So, we get older and our bodies change and the way we think changes and the way we think about our bodies changes. Like Truvy said in Steel Magnolias, "Honey, time marches on and pretty soon you realize that it's marchin' across your face." Well, in that spirit, I'd like to share a few of my favorite things about aging. Acne

When I was a teenager, I would get a single pimple once a month. I probably only used half a tube of Clearasil during my entire adolescence. I am clearly making up for lost time in middle age. My skin has gone to hell and my employee handbook says nothing about excusing absences due to acne.

Body Weight

It used to be that when I wanted to lose 10 pounds I could just stop eating dessert and the weight would just melt off of me. I didn't have to make any drastic changes to my diet and I certainly didn't have to exercise. Now, I'm pretty sure I'd have to go on a hunger strike to lose 10 pounds. I love food and drink too much for that so I think that I am going to fill my body with helium and then I'll feel lighter than air.

The "What's That" Game?

You know how to play this one, right? You're standing in the shower washing a body part that you can't actually see and then you suddently feel something funny. That's right - you have run across something that wasn't there before or something that has essentially changed in size and/or structure and you're like, "What's that?!" So, you rub it for awhile and you try to turn your head around like an owl to see what the hell is going on there but you can't see it and then you have to call for your partner and she comes in and you're like, "Can you look at something on my [fill in the blank body part]?" and your partner shrugs nonchalantly because she's used to these inquiries but then looks and is all, "What's that?!" You get to play the game with increasing frequency as you age.

The Mind

As time goes on, you get stories from the past confused. This week, Luisa and I were lying in bed talking:

Vikki (laughing): I  just remembered that time I fell asleep while [name withheld to protect the innocent] was [engaging in a sexual act withheld to protect my privacy]. She was so gracious about it though.

Luisa: That was me. You fell asleep on me during [sexual act withheld to protect my privacy].

Vikki: No. It was very clearly [name withheld to protect the innocent].

Luisa: Oh that's right! You broke up with me during [sexual act withheld to protect my privacy]!

Vikki: Yes. That's right. For the record, your apartment had bad juju.

The best part of this example is that it is Luisa's mind that is going.

Collecting pencil sharpeners is starting to seem like a better deal than collecting years. You can put the pencil sharpeners in a box in the basement. You have to carry the years with you all the time.

A Guide to Apple Picking

Fall has arrived with all its beauty. The sky is clear blue. The air is cool and crisp. The trees are awash in orange and red and yellow. It's time to get out of the house and enjoy the season! Apple orchards are a great destination in the fall so I have prepared a handy dandy guide to apple picking just for you. I know...I shouldn't have...but I love you that much. So pay attention and you will likely have a grand ol' time, just as I did this past weekend! Step 1: Wake up on the day of your outing and check the forecast for the day.

Step 2: Ignore the fact that the temperature is 42 and dress your entire family in shorts.

Step 3: Insist that everyone bring a light summer jacket because fall days can be chilly.

Step 4: Check out the website of the local apple orchard to make sure that they have apples.

Step 5: Pay no attention to any fine print regarding the dates of apple picking.

Step 6: Ignore information regarding the age range for the orchard's children's programming.

Step 7: Load everyone into the car and drive to the country.

Step 8: When you arrive at the orchard, don't stop. Decide to have lunch in an adorable town nearby.

Step 9: Once you reach the town, park as far away from the restaurant as you can, especially if you have brought along a grandparent who recently had hip replacement surgery.

Step 10: Do not, under any circumstances, make your children wear their coats as you trek to the restaurant.

Step 11: Make sure that the restaurant has delicious food and incredibly slow service. Bonus fun tip - make sure to pick a place that will serve every adult at the table before serving the starving restless children!

Step 12: Load everyone back into the car and drive to the orchard and make sure everyone wears their coats because bare legs get cold when it is 42 and there is a surprisingly strong wind coming out of the north.

Step 13: While waiting to pick apples, pay $1 for your children to wander through a "maze" that has only one path and only comes up to their shoulders. Kids love things to be super easy!

Step 14: When you discover that apple picking has ended for the season, let your children pet the crazy goat with 30 to 40 toddlers. Older children love that!

Step 15: To build character, buy the children caramel apples and make them eat them while standing up outside in the cold. Nothing goes with a caramel apple like goose bumps!

Step 16: Raise morale by promising to stop at "the fun place we saw on our way to this place".

Step 17: Pay a painful sum for hay rides and a corn maze that take approximately 10 minutes to complete. Bonus fun tip - that grandparent you brought with you? He or she will love a hayride on a flatbed truck. Who says walking with a cane can't be fun on a rickety set of stairs and surface covered in mounds of hay?!

Step 18: Sit back and enjoy as your children fight over who gets to put their face in the pumpkin cut out first!

Step 19: End the trip on a high note - take your children to the porta potties!

Step 20: On your way home, stop at the liquor store. Children love it when their parents tack on errands to a day of fun. Ignore their "squeals of joy" because you deserve a bottle of wine for planning such a memorable day.

There you have it, folks. Print out this guide and take it with you on your next outing! I guarantee a good time for all!

Suck It Universe

When you begin the day by hitting your daughter in the face with the metal edge of her Razor scooter, you sorta expect that things can only get better. I mean, maiming your child has got to be the low point, right? That sort of thinking only leads to trouble because the Universe sees this as throwing down the gauntlet. The Universe is all, "Really? You think that's all I got? Ha!" Then, the next thing you know, you are in a clutter house, awash in a sea of clutter up to your shoulders and you think, "Well done, Universe." If you are wise, you say nothing more. If you are me, you think, "Universe? Bring. It. You heard me, bring it!" and the Universe is happy to oblige. So, you get to work and find new cases and a million voice mails but you are up to the challenge and you smirk confidently. It's the smirk - oh, how the Universe hates smug. The thing that puts you over the edge is never the thing you imagine putting you over the edge. You figure it will be an annoying co-worker reading aloud from the Bible or a stern talking to from your supervisor or an argument with your partner or a call from school. You never expect that the microwave will be your undoing. Who could predict that someone would warm up an entree that smells like they are microwaving a wet dog? But there it is - a pervasive smell of wet dog not three feet from where you are sitting and the microwave hums and the smell builds to an odiferous crescendo and you begin to think that time is standing still because - OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HOW LONG CAN TWO MINUTES LAST?! As you gasp for air, you shake your fist and choke out, "Well played, Universe! Well played!" and just like that - the microwave stops and your co-worker takes out her food and it's a small cup of noodles and you want to ask her if there is, by chance, a teeny tiny wet poodle in the cup but you don't because you've given up. You gather your things and head home. Once there, you think that your daughter's first soccer practice will surely erase the bad juju of the day. She's excited and gets ready all by herself. She poses for pictures. She jogs around the house and makes tough girl faces in the mirror. You smile and think, "This is going to be great!" You've forgotten all about the Universe but it has not forgotten about you. You head to the park and your daughter does pretty well for the first part of practice and then something happens and she's crying. She's crying about her ball and the frustration of the day wells up inside you and you fight the urge to scream, "There is no crying in soccer!" You have no compassion. You do everything to get her to go back to practice but she refuses. You ask your son for help and, at first, he says all the right things and then he gets frustrated and gets mad at her. It's a Dysfunction Parade and you are the Grand Marshall! When practice is over, you walk home while your daughter cries and your son sulks. The kids are hungry so you take your frustrations out on dinner and drink a glass of water and you can feel the Universe smirking. It's the smirk - oh, how you hate smug. So, you take a deep breath and go to your daughter and say, "I am so sorry that I was not the parent you needed me to be tonight" and you mean every single word. She looks at you, wipes away her tears and says, "It's okay. Next time, you'll be better" and you will be; you know that. You celebrate your daughter's first soccer practice with cinnamon toast all around and you know that you won this round. It wasn't pretty but you won. ETA: Check out the new Lesbomatic iPhone app. Yeah, I'm pretty proud of myself.