Better Parenting through Dramatic Metaphors!

Before kids, my weekday mornings were like this: 

• Wake up to silence after a good night’s sleep
• Take an uninterrupted shower
• Dance around the bedroom while being dressed by Cinderella’s bluebirds
• Sit on the couch with a cup of coffee, mentally prepare for the day and reflect on life’s mysteries
• Pack my bag and head out the door to work 

Since having kids, my weekday mornings are like this: 

• Wake up tired and disoriented
• Take a shower in constant fear that dropping the soap will wake the sleeping children
• Throw on a pair of sweatpants and sweatshirt (smell them first because I sweat like a fat man in a sauna these days)
• Pack the kids’ lunches, knowing that they won’t eat them anyway
• Sit on the couch with a cup of coffee only to have my son join me 5 minutes later
• Try to drink coffee without spilling it while wearing an 8 year old like a shawl
• Wake up my daughter and explain for the 1,367^th time why I have to wash her butt (she still wears pull-ups at night)
• Endure butt wash related sassiness
• Tell son to get dressed and stop standing on his head/dancing naked/rolling on the floor before threatening him with loss of Wii/upcoming fun event/desired object/life/limb
• Explain to daughter why she cannot yet wear a tank top
• Endure tank top deprivation related sassiness while trying to get myself dressed
• Make breakfast while mediating conflicts related to one child touching/taking/looking at the other child’s most precious belonging
• Serve the children their breakfast, gulp down a second cup of coffee and stuff a Luna bar in my mouth
• Tell children to pack their backpacks, get their shoes on and put on jackets
• Repeat the previous task ad nauseam while watching both children make faces/flex muscles/dance wildly in front of the full length mirror by the front door
• Grab my own bag (packed or not) and rush out the door 

Given the way mornings sometimes go, I should cut myself some slack when I have a less than stellar parenting moment, right? Like this morning when I caught a child in a lie and we got into a heated argument about said lie that culminated with me yelling, “YOU HAVE TIED MY HANDS WITH YOUR LIES!”  There is nothing like an overly dramatic metaphor to take your parenting to the next level.  Clearly I missed my calling - I should be writing for a daytime soap.

Line Item Veto

Blog posting has been sporadic - I'm sure you've noticed. Lest you think that I've become neglectful once again, I am here to tell you that I've been very busy preparing for Peep Week 2010. Very busy. I've been hatching some special plans for this year's Peep extravaganza! Hatching. Heh. As part of the prep work, I need martini glasses and I need them for tonight. I was telling Luisa this last night and explaining non-chalantly that I would be going to buy some today and she sighed. She may deny the sigh but I heard it. It was the Sigh Heard Around the World. Okay, not really. It was the Sigh Heard Across the Dinner Table. Fortunately, that sigh came with a smile...a resigned smile perhaps, but a smile nonetheless. I said, "I know. I know you're thinking about the amount of money that peep-related projects cost us each year. I'm going to have to start submitting a budget every January." And then, we started to recount the expenditures for Peep Week 2010.

packages of yellow peeps (4) packages of pink bunnies (1) milk chocolate covered peep (1) dark chocolate covered peep (1) foam core posterboard (2) cocktail shaker (1) martini glasses (6) semi-sweet chocolate chips (1) graham crackers (1) eggs (1 dozen) heavy cream (2) vodka creme de cocoa scrapbooking stickers - vacation set (1) scrapbooking stickers - beach set (2) peep bubble blower (1) Kodak Zi8

I argued that the camcorder should not be included in this list but Luisa insisted that we would not have purchased it if I hadn't wanted something to make quick and easy videos. Just to prove that it's not for the  peeps, I am going to take short videos of the kids every single day until the ratio of kid videos to peep videos is heavily skewed towards the kids and erases any notion that I bought an expensive electronic device to film marshmallows and marshmallow-related activities.

We will actually be out of town during Peep Week proper so I'll be posting from the road...or the slopes in Denver...or the plains of Kansas City. Hopefully. We'll just have to see if I can pull off a week's worth of posts while I'm on vacation. If nothing else, maybe I can get a video of me falling on my ass while skiing/snowboarding. Fun times! Anyway, posting will be light for the next week but I hope to reward you with all sorts of peepy goodness.

Now, let's talk fashion. My girl has been rockin' some ties lately! Twice this week Zeca chose to wear ties to school and twice this week kids gave her a hard time because "girls can't wear ties". The kids laughed at her because of the ties which is kinda funny because the ties are the least of her fashion problems. Hello duelling stripes! Note to self: do not buy this child any more striped or patterned clothing because she will wear it in combinations that you could never have imagined.

Behold!

 She is awfully cute though.

Have a nice weekend y'all and may your martini glasses overflow with something delicious!

Water Water Everywhere

It was a solo parenting night at the Casa de Reich-Brandão but I had managed to get both kids ready for bed without ever losing my patience. Miguel was tucked into bed reading and Zeca had received approximately 263 "last" hugs and had told me "one more thing" until she could think of nothing else to say. My work was done and I went downstairs to practice my Couch Relaxation Techniques, pleased with the way I had breezed through bedtime. I hadn't been downstairs but 10 minutes, however, when Zeca yelled down to me, "I need a glass of water!" I yelled back, "Okay sweetie. Go in the bathroom and get yourself one!" She has her own glass in the bathroom and is capable of getting herself a glass of water. There was a brief moment of silence and she yelled down again, "I want you to get it for me!" I yelled back, "No, honey. You can get it yourself!" She yelled back, "NO! I WANT YOU TO GET ME A GLASS OF WATER RIGHT NOW!"

Right then, I made the decision that I was not going to get her the glass of water. I'm  not saying it was the right decision or the best decision. It was simply a decision.

I explained in the kindest of ways that I was busy and that I would not get her a glass of water when she could get it for herself. She obviously decided that kindness was for chumps and began to scream and cry and shout unintellegible things at me for the next 10 minutes. Then, though the tirade continued, I heard the pitter patter of little footsteps and water running in the bathroom sink. I thought, "Finally!" but then heard Miguel's voice saying, "Just a minute Zeca..." I ran upstairs just in time to catch Miguel coming out of the bathroom with a glass of water in his hand. I was like, "Noooooooooo! You do that and all will be lost!" He said, "But mom...it's so sad." I wasn't feeling terribly sad but I agreed with him about the sadness and explained that Zeca was simply trying to bend me to her will and that I was too far in to get her the glass of water and if he got her the glass of water, she would realize that she would get what she wanted if she put on a performance that was grand enough and then? Then- she would rule the world.

Yes, I had The Crazy Eyes - I know this because of the way my son looked at me and backed towards the sink.

He dumped out the water and said, "You better do something because she is loud and I want to go to sleep". I smiled and said, "Trust me. I've got it all under control". He shook his head and wandered back to his room.

By this time, Zeca knew that I was upstairs and was demanding my presence. So, I went into her room, knelt down beside her bed where she was sobbing and said, "Yes Zeca?" Her tears immediately stopped and she said in deadpan, "Since you are here, would you get me that glass of water now?" It took every ounce of energy I had left in my dwindling reserves to keep myself from yelling, "YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!" I took a deep breath, told her that she could get herself a glass of water and I went back downstairs while she busied herself with the screaming.

There are no words to describe the pitch and volume of the screaming. No words, my friends. I sat down on the couch and put my head in my hands and tried to figure out my next move. Then, the screams got closer and closer and I knew...she was coming for me. It was like a bad horror movie, except that I was fully clothed and had enough sense not to run towards the beast. I made myself as small as possible and sank deeper into the couch and she got within inches of my face and screamed, "GET ME A GLASS OF WATER! NOW!" and, with her demand, singed off my eyebrows.

I then posed what I considered to be a most thought-provoking question, "You passed by the bathroom and came all the way downstairs to demand that I get you a glass of water that you could have gotten for yourself 15 minutes ago?" Her answer? "YES!" And this is when I walked out the front door, got into my car and went to a hotel. I kid...I kid. That wasn't an option. So, in a loving and hushed tone, I suggested that she get herself a glass of water on her way back to bed. Needless to say, she thought my idea was a poor one and chose not to act on it. She chose instead to return to her bed and continue screaming about my cruelty until she fell into a deep sleep.

Now, this next part of the story might be hard to believe but I assure you it is the truth. When I woke Zeca up the following morning, we smiled the most loving smiles at each other and she said, "Mama? Would you get me a glass of water now?"