Ugly Kittens

Several weeks ago, I was at the pet store with the kids and there were kittens available for adoption. There were two adorable black and white kittens that seemed to say, "Hi! What are you doing? It's so great to see you! We love people and would like to live with you and bring our cuteness to your house!" There was also an orange tabby with asymmetrical markings and a bad attitude that seemed to say, "I hate people in general and you specifically. Please do not look at me as you are not worthy of my attention." Zeca and I said that if we could adopt another kitten, we would take one of the cute black and white kittens. Miguel said he would adopt the ugly orange tabby because he worried that no one would want it. Yes, he has a tender heart and that's why I know that he'll spend his entire life saying something like, "No! That's not a hairless three legged rat with a growling lisp! That's my cat!" to every person who visits his home.

This all came back to me today when I was introduced to Kitten War, a site where you vote on the cutest kitten in an endless stream of match ups. I voted for a few kittens and then realized how many ugly kittens there are in the world.

That experience inspired the following poem that was composed on Written? Kitten:

Ode to an Ugly Kitten

I see you, Kitten With your fuzzy face and tiny nose and shiny eyes Your tiny paws that claw at the heart But I have to say - You are an ugly kitten. I didn't think such a thing was possible But you proved me wrong. Now I am sad and also angry Because you had only one job, Kitten - To be cute. And you effed it up. I will now call you Disappointment Kitten Because that is what now claws at my heart You need to up your game. You cannot rest on your feline laurels And assume the world will bow before you. Get on it.

For those who aren't familiar with Written? Kitten, you set a word count goal and then you get a picture of a kitten when you hit that goal. I set a goal of 100 words and my poem came in at 112 and you know what happened? I didn't get my kitten! You know what else happened? Wordpress ate the first draft of this post! Kittens are trying to suppress the truth!

Eye Sockets

Sometimes, when I need to write, I take a shower. I do some of my best writing when I am in the shower though I don't know why. Maybe it's the steam or the quiet or the smell of my tea tree shampoo. Maybe the shower is magic and brings me to life, like Frosty the Snowman's hat but without that creepy magician.

Of course, one might argue that I am not actually writing in the shower and that would be true. However, I do often craft some good sentences in there that I can later put to actual paper. In fact, two of my favorite sentences I've ever written came to me in the shower.

But, sometimes, I do some horrible writing in the shower too.

I wanted to blog yesterday but I didn't have any ideas so I decided that I would take a shower. I turned on the hot water and stepped in and I got water in my eyes and as I rubbed the water from my eyes, I thought, "Eye sockets!"

I could not get eye sockets out of my brain for the rest of the shower and my thought process went something like this:

Eye sockets. If eye sockets popped into my mind, there must be a reason. Perhaps eye sockets are my writing destiny today. But eye sockets are weird and I have no idea what I can write about them. Maybe I'll rub my eyes a little bit and see if that sparks further inspiration. Nope. Nothing. Maybe if I close my eyes and then touch my eyes, I will think of something. Ok. Well, I did think of something. You shouldn't poke your eye sockets because it hurts. Eye socket pain. I could write about that. But what could I say about it but, "Hey. Don't poke yourself in the eye socket. Because it hurts." That seems like a dead end. Eye sockets, eye sockets make me a match. Maybe that's it! I can rewrite all the songs from Fiddler on the Roof so they are about eye sockets!

I used almost all the hot water in our gigantic hot water tank thinking about my own damn eye sockets.

Yesterday, as I implored the internet to discuss Rihanna's new video for the song FourFiveSeconds with Kanye West and Paul McCartney, my friend, Jana said, "I'd like to spend five minutes in your brain." I don't know if I'd wish that on anyone. Some days, my brain is filled with smart humor, beautiful words and wisdom. But some days, my brain is preoccupied with eye sockets and tumblr GIFs and a profound sense of loss about the tan M&M.

Luisa knows that some days I struggle to write and she just came in and said, "You're blogging! What are you writing about?"

I turned from the screen to look at her and said, "Eye sockets."

"Eye sockets?"

"Yes, eye sockets," I said as I laughed and put my head in my hands. "It's the kind of post you hate the most."

She said, "Oh, the meandering kind?"

I laughed again, "Yes. That kind."

She laughed, "Well, I'll leave you to it then."

But really, there's nothing to leave me to...what more can I really say? Perhaps I'll just leave you with this public service announcement, "Don't poke yourself in the eye socket."

The more you know...

The House on Insomnia Street

Sleep Deprivation and Anxiety met at a party and it was love at first sight. Sleep Deprivation saw Anxiety reaching for and then hesitating and then reaching again for the prosciutto-wrapped figs. Sleep Deprivation has notoriously bad judgment and found it adorable and asked Anxiety out on a date. Of course, Anxiety wasn't sure and worried that Sleep Deprivation only liked her for her body but somehow one date turned into many and now they go hand in hand. Not surprisingly, they are a terrible couple. For years, their friends advised them to break up because they wouldn't listen and then one day they woke up in matching denim vests with two children and a house on Insomnia Street that they can't afford.

They didn't literally wake up because they never sleep. It's a metaphor. Ride the wave.

Their two kids are impossible. Mania is loud and wears Hammer pants and giant wings made from upcycled Target bags and is all, "I AM GOING TO BUILD A ROCKET IN THE BACKYARD MADE FROM TAMPAX, COTTAGE CHEESE CONTAINERS AND BIC LIGHTERS!" Inertia wants nothing to do with that and is happy to lie on the couch in sweatpants and a t-shirt eating Doritos from the pile on his belly.

The Slanxiety family is unbearable, primarily because they only bring chips and salsa to the neighborhood potlucks. Anxiety can't decide what to bring and if she left it to Sleep Deprivation, they'd bring Ho Ho's which would be utterly embarrassing. Mania wants to make individual Baked Alaskas for 100 and shoot them at guests from a canon while Inertia just wants to watch Netflix and have pizza delivered. It's amazing that they ever leave the house at all.

How do I know all this? Because I have been living with them for the past few weeks. I've spent time with them before and hanging out with Mania is the only thing that makes it worth it--Mania is a hoot! But this time, Mania wasn't there. I heard she was in Canada making a life-size replica of the Eiffel Tower out of paper clips.

Insomnia is bad but parenting a kid with insomnia is much worse and that's what we've been doing recently. Without sleep, I couldn't seem to write or do much of anything really.

We have figured out part of the issue and are working on it and are sleeping more and my brain is starting to work again. I'm having ideas! My first idea was to run my Twitter account from my hoodie's perspective. My second idea was this post. I said I was having ideas...but I didn't promise they were good ones.

So, hello! I'm back! Would you like a fig?

Photo Credit: frankieleon via photopin cc