Familiar Patterns

Yesterday was not my best day.

The hours slipped away and I can't tell you how I spent them exactly. By the time I picked Zeca up from school, I was feeling very disappointed in myself because I am supposed to be working on an essay but haven't worked on it at all this week.

Now, I could have worked on it last night but I was too busy being annoyed with myself.

I should be working on my essay right this very minute. In fact, when Luisa left to run errands an hour ago, I told her that I was going to do just that.

But she just arrived back home and we had this conversation...

Luisa: How is the writing going?

Me: I'm blogging.

Luisa: What are you blogging about?

Me (laughing): Procrastination.

Luisa: At least you took a shower!

Luisa has the right attitude! I may never finish my book but I will smell fresh!

So...yes...I am writing about procrastination which has been my constant companion in recent years. I hope to get over it (for now) and get back to writing by sharing my list of Things I've Done This Week When I Should Have Been Writing (TIDTWWISHBW for short). Exciting, right? Maybe it will become a regular feature!

Let's do this! The top 10 TIDTWWISHBW!

1. Ate a brownie.
2. Found one of Momo's whiskers and marveled at it for a few minutes.
3. Tweeted about monchichis and raisins. Not together. Monchichis hate raisins.
4. Tracked Lydia the Shark.
5. Worked on all things Listen To Your Mother! (By the way, tickets are on sale now! There is a link and everything!)
6. Wrote about Democrats raising Republicans at Lesbian Family.
7. Listened to retro video game ringtones. All of them.
8. Considered scrapping my current book to write a screenplay that's a cross between The Big Chill and National Lampoon's Vacation.
9. Posted on Facebook about Cara Cara oranges multiple times and then responded to every single comment.
10. Read the entire internet instead of reading that stupid Stephen King book.

I was just on Facebook to check in with the whole Cara Cara orange discussion and saw this video posted by Alexandra. It inspired me to write so I'm going to go do that now but, before I go, I'm going to watch it one more time.

Just once.

Really.

Okay, maybe twice.

http://youtu.be/8pasAi28OI4

Judging A Book

We went to the Mall of America on the day after Christmas. I'm not exactly sure why we did this other than the fact that we had family visiting and it seemed like the thing to do. Not surprisingly, the mall was very crowded and it was like a consumer-driven version of the Running of the Bulls but with fewer pointy bull horns and less Spanish.

We stopped into Barnes and Noble at one point to buy some new books for the children and I decided that I would buy a book for myself as part of my Read More in 2013 campaign.

Confession: I don't read much. I used to and then I met the internet and found that reading short strings of words online and watching YouTube videos of toy commercials from the 1980's is an easy way to blow through hours of precious leisure time.

Deborah had suggested a few books to me (because she hoped to stop referring to me as her "dumb friend with a thing for Monchichis") and I decided to pick up Stephen King's book, "On Writing". This book would make me feel readerly and writerly.

So, Luisa picked out a couple of books for the kids and I picked up Stephen King's book and we fought through the crowds of bulls to pay for our books and leave.

I didn't pick up the book again until several weeks later and, when I did, I noted that the cover felt funny.

Me: Luisa! Feel this book. It feels funny.

Luisa stared at me for a few moments as she processed my request in light of past requests to "Smell this weird thing!" and "This is awful! Taste it!"

Luisa: What do you mean it feels funny?

Me: The cover has a weird feel. Just touch it.

Luisa (finally touching the book): Yeah, it does feel a little weird.

Vikki: I can't stand touching it so I can't read the book.

Luisa just stared at me.

Luisa: Just don't touch the cover.

Vikki: You can't read a book without touching the cover. Maybe I could wear gloves.

Luisa shrugged.

Vikki: If I wear gloves, how will I turn the pages?

Then, I remembered that my sister had bought me some light cotton gloves for Christmas. I guess you put lotion on your hands and wear the little gloves to moisturize them or something.

I ran upstairs and found the gloves and put them on and returned to my book. The gloves protected me from the funny feeling of the cover!

It has been several weeks since I started reading the book, however. What Deborah assured me was a "quick read" has turned into the time-sucking equivalent of "War and Peace" because, even though I can't feel the cover while wearing my gloves, I know it's all weird and icky. Plus, it is hard to turn the pages with gloves on.

All of this has led me to the conclusion that sometimes you really can judge a book by its cover and I am judging you and your book, Stephen King.

Since the reading is going so slowly, I think I'm going to have to ask Luisa to read it to me.

I'm sure that idea will go over well.

The One In Which I Relay Important Things...

It would appear that I took last week off from blogging. Chalk that little vacation up to Weather Anger and Winter Bitterness and the fact that every day with subzero temperatures and/or snow makes me snowmotional. In addition to my intolerance of the season, I have been writing offline and working on things related to Listen to Your Mother.

I also re-injured my shoulder/back/neck and spent the weekend on a heating pad and smelling like Ben Gay. ("I been gay forevah!" or feel free to insert your own Ben Gay joke here).

But there are some random things I want to share with you so I dragged my sorry self back to the computer for these news flashes (some are newsworthy, most are not - so lower your expectations):

Saturday night, Luisa and the kids went to visit friends while I limped around the house feeling like an 80 year old man. I was so bored that I peeled and ate an orange. This is of note because I do not like to peel oranges or any fruit really which is why I prefer bananas and berries. Bananas and berries are the fruits of my people...my people being lazy people who don't like to get their hands messy. So, I had an orange and the orange was so tasty that I felt my whole life change in that moment. I might even have another one today. It's a BRAVE NEW WORLD!

Last night, I started feeling a little better and I made strawberry muffins for the urchins of Casa de Fox. I rocked those muffins like a Hunchback Betty Crocker. I was so domestic that I spent all of my dream time last night test driving Toyota Sienna Minivans. Luisa was not in my dream which even Dream Vikki thought was problematic. The car dealer was giving me the hard sell and all I could think was, "Where is Luisa? Why is she not stopping me from impulsively buying a minivan?" The other weird part was that all the minivans were green and I was totally fine with that which, in real life, I would not be. I only drive black or silver cars in real life. Dream Vikki was out of control.

If you have read this far, I want to assure you that I am not under the influence of drugs or alcohol. This is my brain on winter.

Now, to the truly newsworthy...

The deadline for submissions for Listen To Your Mother is this Friday, February 15, 2013!

• Written submissions are open now through February 15, 2013. Send us your stories –ltymtwincities@gmail.com
• Auditions (live readings) will be held March 2nd (and continued on March 9th if needed)
• The show is scheduled for May 9, 2013 at 7pm at the historic Riverview Theater in Minneapolis.

FAQ about the show

Tickets will be available soon through Eventbrite!

Videos of past shows elsewhere

Submit! Get ready to buy tickets! Watch videos! Shop for minivans!

Actually, don't shop for minivans. Well, unless you were going to do that already.

Now...who wants an orange! Peels on me!