Beneath a Cloudless Sky

Shortly after we moved into our house in 1996, Luisa and I hung a rainbow flag off the front of our house.  It felt like staking a claim - we were creating a home together - and every day I'd come home from work and smile as I saw that flag fluttering in the wind. And then one day, we came home to find that the flag had been burned.

I could not believe that someone would walk into my yard and set that flag on fire, could not fathom that kind of hate. So, I stood under a cloudless sky and wondered aloud if the flagpole had been struck by lightning.

I have always had an irrational belief in the goodness of people.

This story came back to me this morning as I drove my kids to school and the conversations turned to the anti-marriage amendment once more. They talked about the most recent polls and the places they have spotted "Vote Yes" yard signs.

The discussion is inescapable.

Yes, I want to marry my partner - not because it will change our lives but because it means something to our kids. But, I also know that the anti-marriage amendment is about more than marriage. It is meant to frighten and divide us. It is meant to drive conservatives to the polls in a presidential election year. It diverts our money and attention from the real issues of poverty, housing and health care.

It is a distraction.

It distracts all of us from the the broader issues and it distracts me from my family.

That is the irony here. While people around the state talk about whether or not I should have the right to marry my partner, we are busy raising a family.

The kids need pants now that the weather has turned colder. We are out of bread. The kids have soccer practice and martial arts classes and guitar lessons. There is homework that needs to be done. We have a fundraiser for the kids' school that we need to plan. Parent-Teacher conferences are coming up. Both kids need haircuts. There is laundry to do and we really need to clean out the fridge.

I am tired in all the ways that parents are tired. I am tired from balancing work and family. I am tired from the sleep lost when your children have insomnia or nightmares. I am tired from early mornings and late nights and trying to get everything done.

And I'm tired in ways that only some parents know. I'm tired of my relationship and family being used as political tools. I'm tired of feeling guilty because I should be doing more to fight. I'm tired of explaining anti-marriage billboards and yard signs to my children, of trying to help them make sense of bigotry. I'm tired of having to reassure my children that no matter how people vote on the marriage amendment, we will be fine. I'm tired of trying to teach my kids compassion and kindness when they see so little shown to their family.

After the election, no matter what the results, I will get up in the morning and love my partner. I will wake my kids and make them breakfast and take them to school and tell them I love them.

Nothing will change.

I will remain defiantly optimistic. I will still be the kind of person who can stand beneath a cloudless sky and believe that the flames licking at my heels are caused by lightning. Because, when I can no longer do that, when I can no longer tell my kids that people are basically good, that's when I'll know I've truly lost.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.  ~ Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Reflections on A-Camp: The Power of Stories

"Hi, my name is Vikki."

Those were the first words I wrote on this blog. It was February of 2006 and I had no idea what I was doing and didn't know that those words marked a new beginning.

I never imagined that this blog would help me become the writer I always wanted to be or that it would bring incredible people into my life. I never imagined that it would lead me to a stage in New York and to a mountain outside Los Angeles.

But it did.

As I sat on that mountain last weekend, I thought a lot about those first few words - the opening line of what has become my story.

I have been an out lesbian for 22 years, longer than many of the women at A-Camp have been alive. I came out at a time when there were no out actresses, actors of musicians, at a time when the only role models we had were those we could find in college, community centers or bars. This was long before the gayby boom and talk of marriage equality. This is my cultural context, one that leads me to think (more often than I'd like to admit), "Things are so much easier now."

But A-Camp reminded me that I should never mistake "easier" for "easy".

I've never gone through conversion therapy. I've never gone back into the closet rather than lose my parents' financial support for college. I've never felt the isolation particular to the mix of race, culture and queerness. I've never been homeless. I've never had to come out to my girlfriend as trans.

The weekend was full of stories and each one changed me, reminding me of the power of the personal narrative. When we allow the fight for equality and justice to be blurred to the point of abstraction, we lose our power because our strength lies in our humanity - in our heartbreak, in our courage, in our compassion and patience.

Politicians change laws but stories change lives.

Everyone has a story to tell.

"Hi, my name is Vikki."

This is my story. What's yours?

I Survived A-Camp

I am here to inform you that you have won the A-Camp Recap Lottery! Instead of millions of dollars, however, you will receive two A-Camp recap posts. You can't buy a boat with recap posts but who needs a boat when you can have words! I know you are thinking, "But Vikki...I can't water ski behind your words..." and to you I say, "You have pretty hair."

So, congratulations! Here is your first recap.

I have a recurring nightmare in which I am driving up a mountain and the turns are very tight and there are no guard rails and I miss one of the turns and drive off a cliff. I bring this up because the road up the mountain to A-Camp is just like that. Obviously, I did not plummet to my death which should teach my recurring nightmare a lesson.

And now that I have that fascinating anecdote out of the way, I will turn my attention to the pressing questions that must be answered...

1) "Was there ice for your cocktails?"

There was ice around but it was not plentiful. I relied on the kindness of strangers to provide for me (Hello Alice! Hello Random Woman in Eagle Lodge with Two Bags of Ice!). When left to my own dev-ices (Get it? "Ices"? Yeah, I'm still tired.), I made drinks without ice. I learned a valuable lesson: I will never ever be desperate enough for a social lubricant to drink a warm cocktail.

2) "What did you do about shoes?"

I did buy a pair of hiking shoes. I didn't love them but, in the end, I was happy I brought them because the other pair of shoes I took got wrecked and stinky and I ended up throwing them away. Without my ugly hiking shoes, I would have gone through LAX barefoot and my feet would have probably fallen off. No one laughed at my shoes...at least not in my presence.

3) "How did your hike go?"

On Thursday night, I had a bit of bourbon with my cabin mates and then hung out at a campfire and then went to a party in Wolf Lodge and had some drinks and then I went to Deer Lodge and did some dirty dancing and then I went back to Wolf Lodge and had deep meaningful conversations and maybe danced on the stripper pole a little bit and then went to bed around 3 a.m. Unfortunately, I was scheduled to lead a hike the following morning. Sometimes you gotta pay to play so, the next morning, I got up and showered and dressed in my snazzy hiking shoes and showed up to do my duty. But then...a light shone upon the dining hall and an angel appeared and offered to lead the hike for me and I married her on the spot in a glorious lesbian wedding attended by all of A-Camp and officiated by a coyote. Okay, I didn't marry her but did have a passionate love affair with her kindness.

4) "Did you need the information from the eHow article on how to fend off a mountain lion?"

No, I did not. Nor did I need the information from some weird snake page with a name like Rattlesnakes 'R Us about treating a snake bite in the wild. I saw a chipmunk, a million lizards (give or take four) and many wild queer women, some of whom were mating.

5) "What was your favorite part of A-Camp?"

Before going, I assumed that participating in the Queer Families panel would be the highlight of my time there. While I enjoyed the panel and the discussion, it turns out that my favorite thing about A-Camp was being a camp counselor. I was assigned as co-counselor for the Avengers' cabin and the campers were simply the best. It was my job to make them feel comfortable and welcome but, really, that's what they did for me. They let me eat every meal with them and they hung out with me all the time and I seriously loved every minute of our time together. They also kept me from eating a bad burrito when I was immune to its rotting aroma due to hunger. So thank you Avengers! For everything...not just the burrito thing.

This concludes your first A-Camp recap you lucky little devils! The next one will deal with feeeeeelings and reflection so prepare.