Just A Kiss

It's 2011. I've been out for over 20 years and I've seen incredible progress towards GLBT equality. In the face of such progress, it is easy to believe that full equality is inevitable. Sometimes, it is even easy to believe that it's near.

And then something happens to remind me that, as far as we've come - we haven't really come that far after all.

Today, actress and musician Leisha Hailey took to Twitter to report an incident that occurred when she and her girlfriend shared at kiss on a Southwest Airlines flight. A flight attendant reportedly approached the two women and told them that their behavior was inappropriate for a "family" airline. When Leisha and her girlfriend questioned the flight attendant about this and made it an issue, they were escorted off the plane. (See Autostraddle for the best run-down of the outrage that spread rapidly via Twitter.)

I was immediately offended by the use of the word "family". A "family" airline? Obviously not my family's airline.

Later in the day, Southwest responded with the following statement:

Initial reports indicate that we received several passenger complaints characterizing the behavior as excessive. Our crew, responsible for the comfort of all Customers on board, approached the passengers based solely on behavior and not gender. The conversation escalated to a level that was better resolved on the ground, as opposed to in flight. We regret any circumstance where a passenger does not have a positive experience on Southwest and we are ready to work directly with the passengers involved to offer our heartfelt apologies for falling short of their expectations.

Several passengers complained that their behavior was excessive. But who decides what is "excessive"?

There are people that will see any display of affection between a GLBT couple as excessive.

GLBT people understand this. That is why we choose our moments of affections carefully. When we want to kiss or hold hands with our partners, we do a quick calculation of our safety in doing so. We consider where we are and who is watching and we decide if we can take the risk because it is a risk. We risk harassment and more. The ability to quickly determine the public display of affection to safety ratio is one of the first survival skills you develop after coming out.

I have watched many straight couples kissing on planes. I have had straight people making out inches from me on a crowded bus. I have seen straight people kissing passionately at concerts. I have even see straight couples do blatant ass grabs in public places. I am willing to bet that none of those people ever stopped to think, "Is it safe for me to do this?"

The incident with Southwest Airlines reminds us that GLBT people still need to ask themselves that question every single time.

Recently, someone said to me - "I don't care if someone is gay or lesbian. Aren't we past all of that? Does it really matter anymore?" I thought of bullying and hate crimes and suicides and amendments to ban marriage equality. I took a deep breath before giving my answer.

No, we are not past it all. Yes, it matters.

If you have any doubts, consider the kiss. We'll likely never know if it was truly "excessive" but read articles about it. See how the women are being portrayed by some in the press. Scan the comments on articles about the incident. Search Twitter. If you do, be prepared for the hate and bigotry.

It's 2011.

We all deserve better.

*Edited to add: Leisha Hailey and her girlfriend, Camila Grey, have issued a formal statement. You can read it here.

Cross-posted at Blogher

A Child Shall Lead Them - A Sea Monkey Is Less Likely

As parents, we all have days when we believe that our children are the most brilliant, kind, compassionate, talented people ever born and you know what that means? It means that we must be the most brilliant, kind, compassionate, talented parents ever because children are so much harder to raise than sea monkeys. Children require real food. They need baths and clean clothes. We have to sweat through their parent/teacher conferences and drive them to play dates and activities. We have to Impart Wisdom and Instill Values and teach them Life Lessons. So, when our children shine, it’s only natural that we bask in their light. But, for every brilliant thing children do, there are a few more that we’d like to sweep under the carpet until our carpets are all lumpy and bunched up and we’re tripping all over the place. This is the universe's way of keeping parents humble.

One night several months ago, we were talking to our kids about anti-gay bullying and our wish that GLBT youth knew that things get better just like things had gotten better for us.

Miguel nodded knowingly and Zeca gasped audibly, “OH. MY. GOD. You’re gay?!”  

She has seen us kiss and hold hands. She has crawled into bed with us. She knows that we love each other and she knows that we are both her legal parents. Luisa and I looked at each other and laughed. I thought of the GAY pride parades and GAY families choir and GAY friends and all the GAY in our lives and I started to think that maybe - just maybe - our daughter was a bit more like a sea monkey than I had hoped.

I laughed as I knelt beside her and said, “Of course we are gay, honey.” She looked down at the floor and, in a serious voice, said, “I didn't know that.” Then, she looked up at me and said something that quickly erased the smirk from my face - she said, "I'm sorry for you."

Being "gay" is different. "Gay" people get bullied and attacked. "Gay" is a word used as an insult against others on the playground. How could this word possibly apply to her parents?

We can't laugh this off or sweep it under the carpet because it is uncomfortable to consider. We have to sit with the fact that, despite their lived experiences, children still receive anti-gay messages from the society in which we live. Zeca's innocent question should serve as a reminder to all of us - GLBT people and allies alike - that we have to talk to our children. We have to be intentional in explaining language and GLBT issues to them.

Being GLBT is not enough. Being open-minded is not enough. We can't assume our children understand.

Children are not sea monkeys. They need more than clean water and a steady diet of algae to thrive. They are the next generation and they need information. They are listening. What do we want them to hear?

This post was cross-posted on Mombian and BlogHer

The Next Generation

Last night, as I was cooking dinner, Miguel came into the kitchen and said, "Why didn't you tell me about Osama bin Laden?" I said it was "complicated" and he said it was "important" so we proceeded to talk about 9/11, the Bush response, the war in Afghanistan and Iraq and - yes - Osama bin Laden. We talked about it for a long time. So long, in fact, that I wanted to say, "See! This is why I never talked to you about it." When we finally finished, he said, "Well...are there any other events going on that you are not telling about, anything else we should talk about?"   Of course, there is an issue that we needed to talk about - the proposed constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage here. Luisa and I had planned to talk to the kids about it once it was guaranteed to be on the ballot in 2012 and that guarantee came with the vote last weekend. This was the perfect opening and, despite the dread I felt in bringing it up, I explained it to the kids.

Zeca quickly responded, "People love who they love and should be able to get married. I will not be voting for that." Miguel stared at me for a moment and then said, "The constitution guarantees justice for everyone. This is not justice, denying people equal rights is not justice." He spoke so calmly and with such maturity that I started to cry. I didn't want to, didn't want either of them to feel the need to protect me - but I was so moved by their words that I couldn't stop the tears. Zeca - so resolute. Miguel - so righteous. 

I told them that the next 18 months would be rough, that people might say hateful things about GLBT people and that they should tell us or their teachers if they hear anything that makes them uncomfortable or scared. They both said that they would.

I cleared the table and started doing dishes and Miguel came into the kitchen and said, "People shouldn't judge." I nodded in agreement and he continued,

Mom, you are a better person because you embrace the possibility of love. You don't judge others even though they judge you. You are a better person for that.

We hugged and then I told him to go do his homework. He said, "Not tonight. Tonight I am writing a letter and I'm going to send it to the newspaper."

And he wrote a letter...an adorable heart-felt letter about equality. Reading it, I knew that no matter what the outcome of this particular battle - we will win eventually. This next generation will make sure of it.