Lines Will Be Drawn

The headline reads "Amendment to ban same-sex marriage moves closer to ballot in 2012" and, this time, they are talking about Minnesota. This time, the state government that is trying to legislate discrimination is my own. For most of my life, I have been ambivalent about marriage. I grew up believing that, while love may last forever,  relationships rarely do. Nearly every person in my family has been divorced at least once which instilled in me a deep cynicism about the institution itself. I never imagined myself getting married, never looked at my mother's dress and imagined myself wearing it as I walked down the aisle. After coming out, marriage was definitely not an option anymore but I felt no sense of loss.

The truth is that not all LGBT people want marriage equality and the reasons vary.  There is no hive mind in our community which is partly why we can't actually agree on that Homosexual Agenda you hear so much about. I have friends on both sides of the issue - friends for and against - and I have managed to walk some sort of middle ground. I have always understood both sides, felt kinship with both sides, but I've never taken a position.

Today, as I read about the proposed amendment here, I cried. I cried a lot. I eventually pulled myself together because I had a lunch date with Zeca. As I sat in her classroom in that tiny chair and chatted with her and her friends, I realized why I had spent the morning in tears. I have never needed legal recognition to legitimize my relationship. I have never needed it to deepen my commitment to my partner. I still don't need it but, today, I realized that I want it - not for me but for my kids. 

Our kids talk about marriage often. It matters to them. Just last week, I asked Miguel why marriage equality was so important to him and he said, "Mom, it is wrong that you can't marry the person you love. It's just wrong." Zeca agreed and then told me that she wants to see us get married. She believes in marriage because she believes that both love and relationships can last. And why wouldn't she? Her parents have been together for 18 years.

When you live outside the law long enough, you begin to accept inequality. You find ways to work around it. If you have money, you hire attorneys to help you protect your relationship and family. If you don't, you hold tightly to those you love and hope for the best. But, protecting your family shouldn't require economic privilege or good fortune. Legal protection should be a right.

If this amendment makes it to the ballot, the fight will be an ugly one. Hateful words will flow effortlessly from the mouths of people previously considered to be reasonable and my family will be forced to bear witness to it all. Luisa and I have done all we can to protect our family legally but how will we protect our children from the war of words that will take place when our civil rights are placed on the ballot for popular vote?  How many more times will I have to explain to them that such actions are born of fear and ignorance?

I have always clung to the belief that people are basically good. When my children are hurt by others, when times are difficult, this is what I tell them. I can't help but wonder how much longer they'll believe me when faced with so much evidence to the contrary. My only hope is that the love we share every day will teach them kindness and compassion and help them believe that love will always prevail over hate.

In the coming days, we will all need to believe that more than ever.

The Real Issue with Grey's Anatomy

Last night was the Grey’s Anatomy Musical Event and today the internet is ablaze with opinions on whether or not it worked as an episode. Lost in all the commentary is the story at the heart of it all – the relationship between Callie and Arizona. For those who don’t watch the show, Callie and Arizona are together and Callie is pregnant with Mark’s baby.  The most shocking scene for me was not Callie lying bloodied on the hood of the car or the fact that she was facing death. The scene that caused me to gasp and brought me to tears was one that took place between Mark and Arizona as they discussed the risks involved in saving Callie and the baby: 

Mark: You never wanted this. You never asked for one. Why are you even giving some opinion on what you-- Arizona: No. No. You know what I didn’t ask for? I didn’t ask for you Mark. Because you wanna know what you are? You're basically a sperm donor. This is me and this is Callie and we're together, so I say-- Mark: No, you don’t get a say. This is my family. I’m the father. I’m the father. You’re not anything. You’re nothing. 

You’re not anything. You’re nothing. 

With those cruel words, Mark gives voice to the worst fear of every non-biological parent out there. More than the songs and drama last night, those words are the most haunting because – as much as we would like to pretend otherwise – they are true in a legal sense. Callie and Arizona cannot legally marry. Arizona has no legal standing to make decisions for Callie. She has no say in what happens to the baby. Legally, she is neither wife nor mother. This is the profound truth that many LGBT couples and parents live with and it is terrifying. So, instead of talking about the flow of the episode and the voices of the actors and actresses, can we talk about that?

Rubber Duckies

Zeca has two rubber ducks in tuxedos and top hats. We got them at Pride many years ago but she only recently dug them out of the toy bin to play with them in the tub. Last night, she held both in her hands and told me a story: “These two ducks are gay and they are the two dads to this duck.” She says this as she points to a smaller yellow duck wearing a blue scarf. “You see, they are a family of boys - just boys.” 

She releases the ducks back into the tub and picks up a scuba diver. “This is a diver and he is trying to kill the shark.” She allows the scuba diver to sink beneath the water and reaches around under the surface until she pulls up the shark. “And this is the shark who wants to eat the ducks.” She looks at me to make sure that I understand the gravity of the situation. I furrow my brow and nod and only then does she allow the shark to descend into the murky depths. 

She picks up one of the daddy ducks. “When this duck goes under water to look for the shark, that one stays on top to take care of their son.” Then, she picks up the other dad and says, “Sometimes, this dad goes under water to look for the shark while the other dad stays on top to watch the child.”

This is a sensible family of ducks. 

I say, “Well, that’s how it works in families, isn’t it?” My question is a wish, a shiny penny thrown into her bathwater. She watches the ducks for a few seconds before turning to me and saying, “Yes. Yes, it is.” And with her simple assertion, my wish comes true.