10 Summer Arguments as Haiku

I work from home and my kids are home for the summer because school does not run all year around like it should. That means that I spend my days trying to write and edit while also preparing meals, doing dishes, mediating disputes and wishing my kids would do something useful like weed the garden. In addition to the basics, I must also solve mysteries like I'm some modern day Jessica Fletcher, though I would never get my own show because I rarely figure out who did the thing.

Summer is winding down now and I could give you the highlights of the trips we've taken and the fun things we've done but I'd rather recap the summer's recurring arguments in haiku because everything is more beautiful when expressed as a haiku.

Let my summer frustrations wash over you as art!

1.

You must get dressed and I don't care if it's summer PJs aren't day wear

2.

There is chocolate Smeared across the kitchen floor Who did that? No one.

3.

Have you washed it yet? The sleeping bag! SLEEPING BAG! Have you washed it yet?

4.

What I did this summer: Washed glasses and more glasses Can't they use just one?

5.

What is in this cup? It is an experiment Stop freezing weird things!

6.

It is twelve o'clock Get up! Get up! Please get up Because it's now two

7.

Get out of the house Go outside or to the park Please leave me alone

8.

You cannot punch him Do not Axe bomb his pillow Do not lock him out

9.

I took your iPhone And your iPad and iPod But forgot the Wii

10.

Give me those matches! Yes, they will strike anywhere No need to test them!

Why Can't I Sleep?

INT. VIKKI'S BEDROOM - 10:00 PM

Vikki nestles into bed and calls out to the children.

VIKKI I'm going to bed! Please be quiet and try not to slam the doors when you go in and out of your rooms!

MIGUEL AND ZECA We won't! Goodnight!

INT. VIKKI'S BEDROOM - 10:30 PM

Vikki hears someone watching videos loudly.

VIKKI Miguel! Turn the volume down on your phone or use headphones!

VIKKI Miguel!

Vikki, reluctant to get out of bed because she still hopes to sleep, texts her son.

VIKKI Please turn down your phone.

MIGUEL k

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE VIKKI'S BEDROOM - 11:00 PM

There is the sound of multiple doors slamming.

MIGUEL Zeca! I was in the bathroom first!

ZECA You take too long in the bathroom!

MIGUEL I do not!

ZECA You do too!

VIKKI I am still trying to sleep! Stop arguing and slamming doors!

MIGUEL AND ZECA Sorry, mom. Goodnight.

 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE VIKKI'S BEDROOM - 12:30 AM

Once again, there is the sound of multiple doors slamming.

MIGUEL Hey, Zeca. What are you doing up?

ZECA I'm not tired yet. What about you?

MIGUEL Same.

VIKKI You know who is tired? ME. I want to sleep.

MIGUEL AND ZECA Sorry, mom. Goodnight!

INT. VIKKI'S BEDROOM - 1:00 AM

Vikki is lying in bed and hears a noise outside.

 VIKKI (voiceover of internal thoughts) What is that noise? It sounds like a container being dragged under the window. Is the neighbor doing yard work? Oh god. Is it a body? Is someone dragging a body? Wait--what if someone is breaking into the garage? I should get up and look but if I get up to look, I may not be able to fall asleep. If I don't get up to look and someone is burying a body in the neighbor's back yard or stealing our bikes, I will feel bad about it when I'm eventually interviewed by the police or the media. "Miss Reich, did you hear anything on the night in question?" "Well, I did but I didn't get up to see what it was." "While the woman was buried alive in the neighbor's back yard, you chose to roll over and fluff your pillows and try to sleep." "Yes, yes. That's what I did."

INT. VIKKI'S BEDROOM - 1:30 AM

Vikki gets up and goes to the window and looks down to the patio below and sees a cat.

VIKKI (aloud) Hey! Cat! Pssst!

VIKKI (voiceover of internal thoughts) Why isn't the cat moving? Did someone drag a cat sculpture onto the patio? Jesus, Vikki! Why would anyone do that? What is wrong with you?

VIKKI (aloud) Cat! Here kitty, kitty!

VIKKI (voiceover of internal thoughts) Why won't the cat move? Is it dead? Great. Just what I need--a dead cat on the patio. Whatever. I'll deal it in the morning.

INT. VIKKI'S BEDROOM - 2:00 AM

Vikki is lying in bed, eyes open.

VIKKI (voiceover of internal thoughts) Is that Momo on the patio? Did one of the kids let Momo out of the house and now she's on the patio and she is probably scared because she's never been outside? No, it can't be Momo, right? No. Momo is somewhere in the house. But why isn't she in the bedroom with me like usual. Damn it! How did Momo get outside?!

VIKKI (aloud) Momo! Where are you, Momo! Come here, Momo!

The End

I live this every night though the versions vary. No wonder I'm tired all the time.

I Am Growing Up

I lay in bed and heard footsteps above me, the pounding of feet belonging to kids who don't stop to think of people sleeping below them. There were seven kids in the loft, though it sounded more like seventy. I looked at my watch and saw it was early but not unreasonably so and hoped that someone had gotten up before me to make coffee. I make terrible coffee when we are at the cabin. It's always too strong and I can't figure out why. I adjust the amount of water and the number of scoops and still it is wrong. I left our room and headed to the kitchen and the kids were even louder--booming laughter, shrieks of joy, shouts and exclamations--but there was coffee so I thought I could manage the assault on my morning.

But I couldn't.

I thought about the years that we've gone to this cabin, thought about the kids as babies and then toddlers and now, as such a mix of young and getting older. I thought about the years of unruly noise that has filtered down from the loft and the times I have yelled and demanded and begged for quiet and order. There have been times when I have parented these children with grace and times when I most definitely have not. I stared into my coffee cup, considered my options and then decided to control the only thing I can truly control--myself.

I left.

I walked out of the cabin in my pajamas and down to the dock. I sat on the worn wood, damp with dew and stared at the blue of the water and sky, the trees across the lake just turning green. It was quiet and calm and perfect and I realized that the kids aren't the only ones growing up--I am too. My oldest child is almost 14 and it has taken me a long time to learn that so much of life is beyond my control. It's taken me a long time to learn how to take care of myself. But I am learning and this place where I find myself--as a parent in middle age--is like still water, a light breeze and new growth.

~~~

I wrote a companion piece to this one for VillageQ:

We all moved in practiced ways, carrying things in from cars, putting food away, and choosing bedrooms–kids in the loft, adults scattered in the remaining spaces. On the first night, the kids sat in the loft, talking and laughing loudly while we sat downstairs, and I was struck by how much our roles have changed over the years. I remembered Pack-N-Plays and bedtime reading and putting small children to bed over and over again, and they learned to be quiet and sleep near their friends. The adults took turns going upstairs to quiet them, to sing, to rub circles on small backs until there was finally silence.