Evasive Maneuvers: A Guide To Parental Escape

Let's be honest - sometimes, we need to get away from our kids. I'm not talking about date nights or going to work in an office so that you can actually complete a thought. I mean that sometimes, when we are with our kids, we need to get away from them. Maybe your child has used you for a jungle gym for the past two hours and your limbs are now locked into unnatural positions.

Maybe you have played approximately 237 games of Uno and are tempted to poke out your eyes with a Draw Four card.

Maybe you have watched your child act out "commercials" for common household products for an entire day - "But wait, mom! There's more! You will also get this...um...this magazine for only $2!"

Maybe you are tired of playing all-star referee in your own reality series, "Sibling Death Matches of the Midwest".

Or maybe you are just tired and out of coffee and cannot be present as a parent for one minute more.

I want you to be happy! I want you to be able to carve out a few moments of time for yourself in a world that tells us that we must be present for our children at all times!

I want to free you from the tyranny of parenting!

Well, I can't free you from the tyranny completely. After all, it is your fault that you are in this parenting mess in the first place. Remember? You wanted kids.

But I can help. So I now present to you the Top 7 Ways to Hide From Your Children Without Being Accused of Neglect!*

1. Hide in the bathroom: Tell your children that you have to go #2 because they know that takes awhile and, because they have brains like squirrels, they have no sense of time! You can stay in there for a long time! Don't forget to take your phone, iPad, book or laptop. This is a 15 to 30 minute option.

2. Hide in the laundry room: This is easier to execute if you have a basement like I do. Tell the kids, "I have to go switch the laundry! Be right back!" But you won't be right back! You can sit in the laundry room "switching the clothes" for at least 20 or 30 minutes.

3. Hide in your bedroom: My favorite use of this is to say that I am "going to change clothes". This tactic allows you to shut your door because we all need privacy when changing. Then, you can lie in bed or read a little. Take your time and then quickly throw on different clothes when you hear the noise levels increase outside your sanctuary. This usually only buys you about 15 minutes, unfortunately.

4. Hide in the bathroom - V 2.0: Tell the kids that you are going to take a shower and then take the longest shower possible. This works best if you have the largest hot water heater that money can buy. Then, you stay in there until you have used every single ounce of hot water. My personal experience tells me that this buys me about 45 minutes - 30 minutes in the shower and then 15 minutes for doing my hair and putting clothes on.

5. Use the telephone: Let the kids know that you have a Very Important Phone Call that you need to take. Then, excuse yourself to a quiet place. You don't really have to have a phone call but you could use the time to call your blog wife like I do sometimes. If you sound very business-like, this can buy you a solid 40 minutes.

6. Hide in the car: Say, "I forgot something in the car. I'll be back in a minute." Head to the car (If it is winter, hopefully, the car has been parked in the sun. If not, no pain, no gain.) Sit in the car and listen to music on your iPod while you appear to search for your lost item. This is another short-term fix...15 minutes tops.

7. Hide by creating the illusion that you are doing chores: In winter, tell the kids you have to shovel snow. In summer, tell them that you have to mow the lawn. Take all the time you want because they will not come looking for you because you might put them to work. You do not actually have to shovel or mow. Take an hour and then come back inside and tell them that the garage door was frozen shut or the lawnmower wouldn't start.

Some of you may be thinking, "But Vikki, shouldn't you teach your children boundaries by being honest with them?" and to you I say, "You have never met my children." I could be lying in a heap at the bottom of the stairs and my kids would be standing above me trying to show me magic tricks. As the old saying goes, desperate times call for creativity and evasive maneuvers!

These are tried and true tactics and my children are still alive and tell me I'm the "best mom ever" almost every day. Of course, they usually say that after I give them cookies but whatever. Still counts!

*Don't do something super stupid and then sue me. Remember - I'm unemployed and have no money.

Matchmaker

Zeca is trying to fix me up with another mom - like a mom friend date, not a lady love date. Thankfully.

She wants us to be friends so that she can spend more time with this kid she likes at school and believes that a parental alliance will guarantee her social success.

We will be meeting for the first time at Zeca's birthday party next week and Zeca has repeatedly stressed the importance of this meeting. She doesn't seem to be worried that I'll misbehave in some way, which is sweet if not a little naive. It's more that she needs me to understand that this is a Very Important Moment and all of her friendship dreams are riding on it.

Yesterday, as we were driving home from school, she brought The Parent Summit up once more.

Zeca: Soooo...just a few more days until you meet Bobby's mom.

Me: Yep.

Zeca: I just know that you are going to be friends.

Me: I am not really in the market for new friends, honey.

Zeca: You have to be friends.

Me: No, we can be friendly. We don't have to be friends for you to have play dates with Bobby.

Zeca: No. You are going to be friends. You guys will find each other really funny and then she'll follow you on Twitter and read your blog and you will be real friends and then Bobby and I will get to hang out all the time.

Hoping your friends' moms follow your mom on Twitter? #bloggerspawnproblems

Me: Sweetie, not every mom tweets and blogs.

Zeca: Whatever. The point is that you'll laugh and be friends.

I am touched that Zeca has identified humor as one of the traits I find essential in potential friends and I'm glad that she wants to use her social circles to expand my blog audience.

But this is too much pressure!

She has overestimated my social skills and obviously doesn't know that I am prone to awkward social interactions when I first meet people.

I was discussing this with Luisa last night and she told me that Zeca has been talking to her about Bobby's mom as well. Zeca is hedging her bets and hoping that one of her moms will come through for her.

Luisa makes a great first impression while I simply make an impression. I have a few days to convince Zeca that Luisa and Bobby's mom would be the best friends ever which will then free me from all social responsibility.

Wish me luck.

March Forth

This picture was taken 8 years ago today and only a couple of hours after Zeca was born. I love it for many reasons...the look on my face, the fact that I'm wearing pink (probably for the first time since the early 1980's), Zeca sleeping on my chest and Luca smiling adorably. Zeca and Luca were born on the same day, three years apart, so this was the first of many joint birthdays.

I can't believe it has been 8 years especially since I still think of Zeca as my baby, the little one.

But she is not so little anymore.

Zeca's birth was so different than Miguel's. Ironically, he took his time and Zeca did not. Now, she is the tortoise and he is the hare and Luisa and I live life caught somewhere in between the two, telling him to slow down and urging her along.

I remember noticing that she had delicate little ears (unlike her brother) and big lips (like mine). I remember wanting her to sleep in the nursery so that Luisa and I could get a good night's sleep before returning home to Miguel but that she wouldn't have anything to do with that. That first night, she would only sleep when nestled in Luisa's arms.

She has always stayed a bit closer to us than her brother...hanging back and holding on...but with a bravery all her own.

Last night, after celebratory sushi with Luca and her family, I snuggled into bed with Zeca and asked her if she had any hopes for her 8th year. She said, "I don't know what to expect. I guess I just want to have some good times and some challenges."

I know that she'll get what she wants because that is what every year brings for all of us.

A wise person once said: "You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have...the facts of life." Okay...it wasn't so much a wise person as the theme song for a TV show but whatever. Wise words, indeed.

I have no idea what the next year will bring but, if the past 8 years are any indication, there will be tears and a little yelling and some door slamming but also plenty of laughter and music and times wrapped in each others' arms.

And tonight...there will be brownies.That I know for sure.